Funny Alzeimer's Stories (actually dementia was the diagnosis)

First my Granny Farley's Story.

I walked into her house one day to find my mom giving granny a bath in her hospital bed. She was covered with a large towel for modesty while my mom when about the business of caring for granny.

Granny saw me and she knew me immediately that day and she was thrilled to see me. She and my mom and I were laughing and joking and having a high old time when all of a sudden granny yelled, "Hey Pam!"

I looked at her and she flung the towel away and grabbed her boob and proceeded to squeeze it while yelling, "POW! POWPOW! POW!" over and over.

It was hysterical. I nearly fell in the floor with laughter at my little, old, Christian granny's display!

Here is a Wimpy Story. Wimpy was Rusty and Sissy's grandpa. They were our next door neighbors growing up. The 5 of us kids really didn't know we had separate houses.

Sis took care of Wimpy once he was bedridden. Rusty would give her breaks. Rusty is a huge man (6 ft. 5 and 350 lbs) and he would load Wimpy in the car and take him for rides and get him ice cream or whatever. One day they were riding around and Wimpy needed to go to the restroom.

Rusty pulled in at SuperAmerica (gas station) and got the key from the clerk. He took Wimpy to the bathroom and proceeded to help his grandfather do his business. The whole time they were in the restroom Wimpy was screaming for sombody to help him. He was screaming that someone was trying to murder him. Needless to say it took Rusty a while to do what needed done.

When they were finished, Rusty opened the door. Standing in front of the door blocking the way were 2 state policemen. When the clerk heard Wimpy screaming for help he called the police! Rusty was mortified when he saw the police and it didn't take much for them to see what was actually going on and they let both him and Wimpy go!

It was nice the clerk was so concientious but Rusty was very upset until he told the story and I couldn't contain my laughter. Then he saw the humor of the situation.

Then there was the time I was caring for my dad. It was a beautiful spring day so I took him outside to ride his scooter (wheelchair) around. On one side of the yard it was perfectly flat and on the other was a hill. I warned him that there were holes on the hill side of the yard and to stay on the flat side. He didn't listen.

I thought he was on the patio smoking and I was working with something in the garage. Daddy came to the garage and demanded to know where in the hell I had been! I told him right here and he proceeded to tell me the horrifying story of where he had been.

He decided to ride his scooter up the hill. About halfway up it overturned. He yelled for me but I didn't hear him. In true Daddy form he decided to right the scooter himself and get on it. He righted the scooter but everytime he tried to get back on it his pants would fall down! From what he told me his pants fell at least 3 times and I was horrified that I did not hear his calls for help.

Later that night my uncle came over. Daddy proceeded to tell him the story. Before he was halfway finished with the story my uncle was literally rolling in the floor with laughter. He couldn't contain himself. At this point both Daddy and I saw the humor in the story and enjoyed a good laugh ourselves.

Louise and Eloise

My friend, Judy, has a mother who is 83 years old. Her mother has a twin sister. Their names are Louise and Eloise. Judy says they are just adorable as they sit on the porch swing and talk together.

I liked the idea of this so much that one Easter I went and bought 2 baby chickens and named them Louise and Eloise. They were just adorable as they grew up together.

Judy thought it was hilarious that I would name 2 chickens after her mom and her sister.

It's been a week and a half since I stopped the second heart medicine

1. I haven't had any A fib attacks, minor heart flutters which are probably perfectly normal.

2. I have energy but not endurance. Who knows when I build up to walking around the building 3 times this time maybe I won't have one of my "setbacks".

3. My mind is working better. I can think. I am not functioning at a dull murmer any longer.

I AM VERY GROUCHY!

4. I am eating less. I know I used to eat to keep my energy up which made me gain weight which knocked my energy back....

5. Looking forward to getting better (as usual)

6. Still having trouble with fluid retention. Hoping that gets better as my heart beats stronger every day.

7. I can tell a difference in my breathing. This is allergy season too! Usually I would be upping my O2 intake. I am using it less. I have to make sure that I refill (that's what I call my O2 breaks) before work though.

I had problems keeping track of my money last week. I had to actually pull my drawer and count it when a man told me he gave me a ten instead of a one. Turns out "he" was right. I have pulled my drawer and counted it before when people have told me that but "I" was always the one who was right.

He was very nice about it. Mistakes happen.

I ran away from home...

...when I was in the third grade. I had packed some clothes and as many toys as I could carry probably weeks beforehand. However I could not manage wake up in the middle of the night to actually do the running.

One day my mom discovered my packed clothes and asked me about them and I told her that "I was running away to where nobody would ever tell me what to do."

So she told me that I had to either go right then or I wouldn't be allowed to go. I chose to go.

I took my little sister with me (she was 5) and we left in the cold, pouring rain to run away carrying as many toys as we could. We made it all the way to the big curve before we decided that maybe this wasn't such a good idea and we turned around to go back home.

Unfortunately my mom and dad locked us out of the house and wouldn't let us back in. We banged and banged on the front and back doors but they yelled out and told us they didn't have any daughters anymore.

Finally we had to climb through the broken window pane into the basement (which unfortunately led into the scary room) We NEVER went in the scary room because there was no light in there and it was scary, but it was the only way into the house.

We went to the top of the basement stairs and begged to be let back in because that door was locked too. They finally let us back in and my dad gave us a huge whippin'. and sent us to our room. We were so grateful to be back home we didn't care.

My mom and dad used to laugh like crazy when they told that little story.

Now my life is truely over - ABC canceled "One Life To Live"

I have been watching that soap since about 1977 or as I like to put it, "when Vicki's first baby was stolen!" I truely thought it was one of the funniest moments in soap history when her second baby was stolen and she exclaimed, " oh no! not again!" as she raced from the room.

One Life to Live has been the one constant in my life, I guess. I started watching over summer vacation when I was in the 8th. grade. I continued to watch as I went to school and as I worked over the years. Since I have mostly had evening or night jobs it seemed to always fit into my schedule.

Even in the dog business when I was working 18 hours days I could count on my afternoon nap and the soap would be playing in the background. My brain was programmed to wake up when General Hospital would come on and I would take off for another evening at the races after finishing the morning work around 11 or 12 that day.

Lately even Eddie has become addicted to it. He discovered early on that I was "busy" from 2 to 3 every day. Since I don't have cable he lets me come down and watch it at his place and we generally enjoy a game of rummy. I even taught him how to play backgammon a couple of months ago.

I feel a real pang in my heart about this.

Silly. I know.

A Poorly Managed Merge

A few years ago I was on my way to work. (I was the Easter Bunny!) I was driving along, and a truck pulled out right next to me. I needed to get into the lane which normally would not have been a problem because I was doing around 40 mph and the truck had just pulled out and I should have been able to just whiz into the lane with no problem.

That is not what happened.

The truck floored it! He speeded up so fast that I was unable to get into the lane. (this all happened in a space of about 100 yards) I had to wait for him to go on past me and I had to slam on my brakes so that I could dive behind him or I would miss the exit I needed to use.

All of this was completely unnecessary.

I was a very aggressive driver. Apparently so was he. I figured if he wanted to force me to dive in behind him (right on his bumper) then I should just stay there. (right on his bumper). Actually the way he speeded up he should have just gone flying away from me and there should have been no problem.

That is not what happened.

He got mad because I dove in behind him right on his ass. Instead of just going on (I was actually slowing) he started to slam on his brakes. Since he wanted to antagonize me so much I started to laugh because I could tailgate with the best of them. I was laughing. I was staying on his ass. He was slamming on the brakes!

All of a sudden he pulls to the side of the exit ramp. He stopped. I went around him because I really didn't have time to play his silly games and as I passed him I looked over to see that he had a gun pointed at me!

I floored it! I took off like a bat out of hell with him hot on my ass. This was in the days before cell phones so the only shot I had was to outrun the bastard! We flew down the interstate and when we got to the next exit I got off and turned toward the State Police Barracks.

He went on.

Nobody was at the State Police Barracks to report anything to. No policeman. No secretary. Nobody.

The man was long gone by this time.

I went on to work.

Postcards from the Old South

Postcards from the Old South

Captions read as follows:

1. LISTENING TO THE MASTER'S WORD

2. "HUNTING" IN DIXIELAND

3. A WATERMELON FEAST IN DIXIELAND

4. LOLLYPOPS AND "CHOCOLATE DROPS" IN DIXIELAND

5."LOVER'S LEAP"

6. CHIMNEY ROCK

I found these postcards in some paperwork that belonged to my grandparents. While I don't remember these postcards in particular I do know that my granny and pepaw would have found them to be hilarious. At the same time they were laughing at them they would have been telling me, "those kinds of things aren't said in front of negroes." They also taught me, "you should be kind to them, and be friends with them, but you don't mix with them."

It goes to show that racism is taught. I can remember, one time, when I was coloring with my niece when she was about 5 years old. We were happily coloring without a care in the world - or so I thought. Out of the blue she looked up at me and said, "I hate black people."

Astounded, I asked her, "why?'

Her reply was, "because they want to hurt me." I assured her that was not true but I couldn't go into it too far with her. I knew that either her parents or grandparents (on her mother's side) had told her that and I would start a family war if I made a big deal out of it.

Thankfully I don't believe she feels that way now that she is an adult. She is an intelligent girl who is able to form her own opinions.

I was the world's worst Easter egg hunter

I never did find the lucky egg!

In fact, I hardly used to find any eggs at all.

We used to hunt eggs until they were cracked and falling apart, because we had such fun doing it.

I think my sister almost always found the lucky egg.

:)

documentation

A few weeks ago the maintenance man came to me and asked me if I knew who had hidden an apartment key in the tv lounge behind the bookcase.

I didn't know and I told him so. I assumed he had asked me because I watch tv in there all the time. He told me he was going to go see whose key it was. He said he could tell by the serial number on the key.

I didn't think anything else about it.

This morning, Eddie, came to me and told he he had changed the locks on his apartment. He said while he was gone over the weekend that someone had taken some money. He said he asked Ed, the landlord, to check the video tapes and Ed told him that he reviewed the tapes and no one was in his apartment.

Eddie made him change the locks.

When Eddie told me about this he mentioned that he had hidden a key and it was missing. Alarm bells started to sound in my head. I asked if he had hidden the key in the lounge behind the bookcase. He said "YES".

I told him that Harold had found the key a few weeks ago. I also told him that Harold had told me about it and he also told me he was going to check the serial number to the key to find the owner.

Harold never went to Eddie. Seems strange. Harold has a master key to all the apartments so he wouldn't need Eddie's key to get in.

Something is not right.

Granny's Revenge

I used to make fun of my Granny because I had to thread the needle for her. She said she couldn't see it.

Now I can't thread a needle. I can't even see to read the UPC's that are too small for the scanner. It is highly embarrassing to have to ask a customer to read it if there are no fellow employees around. Usually there aren't any around either because I am night shift and everybody goes home when I get there.

Sometimes if I am lucky there is a kid around to make fun me for having to read that UPC!!!

One Time My Aunt Wanda Bet My Brother He Couldn't Hold His Arms Up For 10 Minutes

It was hilarious.

My poor brother was about 10 or 12 years old and she bet him he couldn't hold his arms perpendicular from his body for 10 minutes. (or was it 5, I believe it was 10) She told him she would give him 5 dollars if he was able to do it.

For the first minute or so he stood there with his arms straight out on either side of himself. He was joking about how it was going to be the easiest 5 dollars he ever made. Then his arms started to tremble just a little. He slowly quieted with the effort it was taking him to hold his arms out.

Wanda was cheering him on as the rest of us kids started to make fun of him! Then his arms started to shake with the monumental effort it was taking to hold them up! They weren't just quivering anymore they were flapping like he was trying to fly or something!

It was obvious he was in extreme pain but there was no way on earth he was going to miss out on that 5 bucks! The more his arms would shake the more we would scream for him to get them up or he was going to lose the money.

Finally he made it. It was obvious to everybody around that he was in extreme pain but he made it. If I recall correctly he was actually in tears. His pain was so obvious to us that we stopped making fun of him and we were actually encouraging him. (a rarity with us!)

My brother earned more than 5 dollars that day...he earned some respect for the strength it took to get the job done when he was in obvious pain.

Don't Tell On Me

It is fine free week at the library.

I had a book out, technically it is still out, since 1977.

I was thrilled when my mom let me stop at the bookmobile and get a book. I wasn't so thrilled the next month when it came back and I didn't have a way to return the book.

I kept it and kept it. I worried as a teenager that the book police would come and arrest me.

After a few years I didn't take it back because I was afraid to and I wouldn't go to the library either.

I left home and our house burned down and I thought the book went with it.

About ten years later the book turned up.

Then I realized that I was only about 50 years from setting a world record for returning a book.

So I kept it.

When I got sick the book went by the wayside as did most of my possessions.

I have no idea where it is now. The landlord probably burned it with all the stuff I left there that she didn't want.

The book was, "Justin Morgan, Story of the First Morgan Horse".

I was fortunate enough to have a Morgan Horse over the summer when I was in the 6th. grade.