Suicide By Salt

I wrote this the last time they put me in the hospital...

"Suicide by Salt" that was a joke that I made Saturday night as I munched on a 99 cent bag of Doritos with a friend. We both chortled happily and continued to enjoy our snacks. I had suspended my diet for the Superbowl and I was determined enjoy that bag of Doritos that I had been craving for a couple of months. Saturday night was a different story though.

I woke up in the middle of a very good dream and my heart was going crazy. It felt like it was skidding to a complete stop and then jump starting again. This feeling is not unfamiliar to me and I wasn't too worried. Then it got worse. Then the chest pain started and just to make sure that I took note of what was happenning I started to get nauseous. None of this is pleasant to experience of course but I was determined to ignore it and get back to my dream. Then the shortness of breath started. Shortness of breath is impossible to ignore - especially when your wearing a C-pap machine and air is being forced down your throat!

It was at this point that I knew that I had to go the the ER and I started apologizing to God for misbehaving with the Doritos and promising to never be so stupid again if he would just let me live!

I went to the emergency room. As usual they took one look at me and moved me to the head of the line. When they checked my initial blood pressure it was 195 over 115 and my heart rate was well over 100. Fortunately things started to settle down soon after that and a couple of hours later I was hopeful that they would send me home. I went in at 1 am and at 7 am they told me they were going to keep me.

When I saw my dr. he wanted to know what happenned and I told him. I also told him that I had cut my medicine in half starting January 13th. and I promised him that I would take it faithfully as I have for the past year and a half if he would just send me home. He pointed out that I didn't saved any money because now I have a massive hospital bill to pay. At least he did agree to send me home though because it was obvious what caused the problem to begin with.

Now I am weak again. I am on O2 most of the day again. It will take me at least a month to get to where I can function at a level that I can pretend to be normal again. I had a good run for about 6 weeks. Now I have to start over and build up again.

I'm really sick of this shit, but I have nobody to blame but myself!

Living with heart disease I

I wrote this on my one year anniversary of life with heart failure.

It's time for me to celebrate. It is my one year anniversary of life. On June 16,2006 , I was in a hospital emergency room dying. It turns out that I have an advanced case of congestive heart failure. For a few days the doctors did not think that I was going to make it.

I was at work when things started to fade and my hands would not do what my mind was telling them to do. I called for help to replace me and drove myself to the emergency room. I must not have been doing a very good job because I remember alot of car horns blowing. I collapsed as soon as they put me in the ER bed. After several hours I woke up and there was a dr. sitting there asking me how I was feeling. I told him better and that I was ready to go home. He laughed and told me that I wasn't going anywhere that they were going to keep me. I told him they couldn't keep me because I didn't have insurance and I couldn't pay them for whatever they had already done. That's when he told me that the only reason I was feeling better was because I had 2 inches of nitro paste on my chest and if I left the hospital that I would be dead in 2 hours. He said not to worry about payment that they would make arrangements for me. I couldn't argue with logic like that and I went back to sleep. I was in the hospital for 5 days. When they released me I was still to weak to make it on my own and I ended up back in the hospital for 4 more days.

I have made great progress since that time. I have lost 49 lbs. (unfortunately I had gained over 100 pounds in a matter of months due to my heart condition)When I got out of the hospital I had to shop at Walmart using their wheelchair cart for months. When people would see me out they would avert their eyes because I looked like walking death. When I first got out of the hospital I had to wear oxygen around the clock. I couldn't even take it off to go the the bathroom. Now I am supposed to wear it only at night but I still sometimes have to use it during the day. I am still taking the same medicines that I was taking then but I am feeling much stronger. I could not work at all during the first 4 months and I had to sell everything I own to pay my bills.

I am working 3 evenings a week(but I am allowed to take it easy and I miss work whenever I need to). I am receiving Social Security Disability which is the reason I am still alive. I started trying to work 5 evenings a week in November and it almost killed me. (but I needed to eat and put a roof over my head) I ended up back in the hospital again. The Social Security started in March. I am renting a room from a nice lady because I lost my house. I lost all my pets including 2 beautiful white german shepherds, a lab mix, a maltese, a chinese crested and 4 cats. I was able to find what I hope are good homes for all of them. I thought for awhile that they would have to go to the animal shelter. I have managed to keep my truck which for me is a glorified wheelchair because I have a hard time walking a block. (but at least I can do it if I have to-I couldn't hardly get from the parking lot to the wheelchair cart for months)

I have taught myself to do the basics on a computer in the past year. I figured why not since I couldn't do anything else anyway. I am going to start a basic computer class on Monday. . I have learned that I can't depend on my family for anything but that's alright I had some good friends step in when they saw I was homeless and that my family wasn't going to help.

Anyway I am alive and that is something to celebrate

By the way what the hell is that smiley doing anyway?

I have seen all 3 of my doctors in the last 3 weeks. 2 don't want to see me for 6 months and the others said call him if I need to see him. I have crossed a major milestone!

Macabre Blog

I went into A fib last night.

I am still in A fib

so why am I blogging and not at the hospital

because I am never going back to thehospital

at leasst not consious

the pain isn't bad

the nausea is

it has been long enough that i can take a handfill of my medicine

same medicing they give me at the hospital

i can't get off my oxygen

its really a strange4 feeling to fade away

my heart is pounding so hard that I can feel my body twitch withit

interesting

time for bed and cpap and oxygen

same thing they would do at hospital but I don'tt have them poking and aggravating me

peaceful.