What Really Happens When You are Dying - damnpamn's Blog - Blogster
At some point most people ask themselves
what they would do if they knew they were dying. The answer is not what
you may think. People dream of doing the stuff on their bucket
list...travel, daredevil stunts or maybe making sure loved ones know you
love them. That's not what happens to most people.
Most people
run into a wall real fast. It's called finances. You can't travel if
you don't have money (at least if you don't want to backpack across
America or something along those lines). If you do have money then you
run into other problems. I assume most people who know they are dying
have medical issues. Usually these medical issues involve a whole host
of physical symptoms which preclude travel or being a death defying
stuntman.
Everything becomes a chore because you get weak. Even
driving gets to the point where it is hard. Travel is hard if you have
to schlep oxygen canisters everywhere you go. Then there are
considerations of bodily secretions that were never an issue from the
necessity of keeping a restroom nearby because of fluid pills to the
entire forests worth of tissues you use because you can't stop spitting
up "stuff". There are new diet demands because something as simple as
too much salt can wreak havoc on you. And God forbid you miss a dose of
medicine and end up back in the hospital AGAIN.
Family and
friends actually abandon you. It makes them uncomfortable to be around
someone who isn't the person they used to be. They say things like you
are too young to be this sick....well tell my body that why don't you?
And oh yeah, I'll alert all my doctors and tell them what you think
about the situation. You reach out because you think that the one
bright spot to being unable to work any longer is that you will have the
time to spend with people you care about that you never had before
because you were always working. But generally there is rejection at
every turn. People think you are coming around because you want
something. They don't understand that all you want is to spend time
with them...afterall you never did before. Or some will hang out with
you for awhile but then dying takes longer than they think it should and
they go on with their lives and just kinda "forget" about you.
Then
there is the battle to get SS disability. I'm sure they make it so
hard because they want you to die so they don't have to pay you
anything. I was told when I was first diagnosed with heart failure that
Social Security was pretty much automatic. It still took 9 months to
get approved. If you are someone with disability insurance then
generally it only pays about 1/10th of whatever wages you were getting
so you better have been getting some damn good wages for it to support
you. The good part is you can still work and make money with Social
Security Disability up to a certain point...then you get too weak to
work and you have to make it on Disability payments while listening to
people comment about you sucking the system dry - even though you paid
into it for your whole life.
There there is medicare and
medicaid. You have to navigate those waters so your doctors will get
paid - even if it is less than they usually get but that's why they jack
up your bills in the beginning so they can make up for the shortfall.
And most doctors don't care if you are dying, they aren't going to see
you if you can't pay them and you can't pay them if you can't work.
It
feels decadent to get out and enjoy a sunny day. My idea of being bad
is a Pepsi and a bag of potato chips or a hot dog because they are so
loaded with salt and chemicals they cause problems all on their own.
You can't drink alcoholic beverages because of medications and if you
try you generally get sick or react to it in a way that is in no way
fun. There is the benefit of the "free buzz". Most of my heart meds
have a label on them that they cause dizziness...and they do..out of
nowhere.
Sometimes you just gotta go with the flow.
Thursday, March 27, 2014
My Great Great Grandparents - damnpamn's Blog - Blogster
My Great Great Grandparents - damnpamn's Blog - Blogster
John W. "Humpy" Bevins, my
great, great grandfather on my mother's side (her dad's grandparents) I
just got these pictures yesterday. I discovered a cousin on facebook
and we have been exchanging old pictures. I never knew who my great
grandparents were...much less the great greats.
great, great grandfather on my mother's side (her dad's grandparents) I
just got these pictures yesterday. I discovered a cousin on facebook
and we have been exchanging old pictures. I never knew who my great
grandparents were...much less the great greats.
Cynthia Jane Hurt Bevins (wife of John W. "Humpy" Bevins)
Catherine Wallace Brennan -
my great great grandmother on my dad's side. I used to look just like
her when I was that age. (wife of John Patrick Brennan)
my great great grandmother on my dad's side. I used to look just like
her when I was that age. (wife of John Patrick Brennan)
John Patrick Brennan- He came from Ireland about 10 years before he brought Catherine over from Wales.
It was a Different Time - damnpamn's Blog - Blogster
It was a Different Time - damnpamn's Blog - Blogster
I always find it interesting that people try to attach today's
values to my childhood posts. Back in the seventies things were done
differently. People gave their kids "whippins" and that is just the way
it was. There was no trying to reason with a child who was misbehaving,
mom or dad just busted their ass. When kids lost a game there was nobody
there telling them "hey, you are all winners in your own way". We were
told "well if you want to win, you have to practice harder." And you
know what? Practicing harder worked a lot of the time.
We knew if
we went in a store and threw a "screaming candy fit" that there would
be severe repercussions when we got back to the car. We sure didn't get a
piece of candy for doing it. If mom and dad decided to order the family
a pizza they didn't order "just cheese or pepperoni" because "Johnny"
didn't like anything else. "Johnny" was told to "pick the onions off!"
Parents sure didn't drive from drive thru to drive thru (there was no
such thing back then!) for each member of the family. We all went to the
same restaurant and ordered whatever was on the menu. Actually parents
ordered whatever they wanted and you ordered the "child appropriate"
foods that were cheaper. If we would have tried to order the most
expensive stuff on the menu that I have watched so many kids do "just to
see if they could mostly" we would have been told "NO."
It was a
different time with different ways of doing things. You can't apply
today's values to yesterday's memories. I'm not saying everything was
right, it wasn't. But things weren't done to be deliberately mean they
were done to teach you how children should behave and because "that is
how MY mom and dad did it". Of course as kids we all swore that when we
grew up things would be different. And in many cases they are.
I
remember talking to my niece once about being paddled in school. She
said, "You mean they actually physically laid their hands on you!" Hell
yeah they did, and if my mom would find out about it we would be whipped
again when we got home. It wasn't just my mom and dad either. It was
that was with everbody's mom and dad. So if I post a childhood memory
that includes a "whippin" I am not looking for sympathy, I am just
remembering things how they were.
Perhaps the biggest change is
peoples attitudes toward sex crimes. We were always told that it was
wrong but if a man was caught doing something inappropriate most of the
time you were just told to stay away. There was never any thought of
prosecution. Anita Hill can be thanked for turning that around. Her
testimony against Clarence Thomas may not have kept him off the Supreme
Court but it did open the door for change involving sexual
discrimination in the workplace and it also changed the way harassment
claims by children were handled...a definite change for the better.
People
wonder how priests and scout leaders could get by with what they did
for so long. It was because that was the way things were done back
then. So, in this case change was good.
I always find it interesting that people try to attach today's
values to my childhood posts. Back in the seventies things were done
differently. People gave their kids "whippins" and that is just the way
it was. There was no trying to reason with a child who was misbehaving,
mom or dad just busted their ass. When kids lost a game there was nobody
there telling them "hey, you are all winners in your own way". We were
told "well if you want to win, you have to practice harder." And you
know what? Practicing harder worked a lot of the time.
We knew if
we went in a store and threw a "screaming candy fit" that there would
be severe repercussions when we got back to the car. We sure didn't get a
piece of candy for doing it. If mom and dad decided to order the family
a pizza they didn't order "just cheese or pepperoni" because "Johnny"
didn't like anything else. "Johnny" was told to "pick the onions off!"
Parents sure didn't drive from drive thru to drive thru (there was no
such thing back then!) for each member of the family. We all went to the
same restaurant and ordered whatever was on the menu. Actually parents
ordered whatever they wanted and you ordered the "child appropriate"
foods that were cheaper. If we would have tried to order the most
expensive stuff on the menu that I have watched so many kids do "just to
see if they could mostly" we would have been told "NO."
It was a
different time with different ways of doing things. You can't apply
today's values to yesterday's memories. I'm not saying everything was
right, it wasn't. But things weren't done to be deliberately mean they
were done to teach you how children should behave and because "that is
how MY mom and dad did it". Of course as kids we all swore that when we
grew up things would be different. And in many cases they are.
I
remember talking to my niece once about being paddled in school. She
said, "You mean they actually physically laid their hands on you!" Hell
yeah they did, and if my mom would find out about it we would be whipped
again when we got home. It wasn't just my mom and dad either. It was
that was with everbody's mom and dad. So if I post a childhood memory
that includes a "whippin" I am not looking for sympathy, I am just
remembering things how they were.
Perhaps the biggest change is
peoples attitudes toward sex crimes. We were always told that it was
wrong but if a man was caught doing something inappropriate most of the
time you were just told to stay away. There was never any thought of
prosecution. Anita Hill can be thanked for turning that around. Her
testimony against Clarence Thomas may not have kept him off the Supreme
Court but it did open the door for change involving sexual
discrimination in the workplace and it also changed the way harassment
claims by children were handled...a definite change for the better.
People
wonder how priests and scout leaders could get by with what they did
for so long. It was because that was the way things were done back
then. So, in this case change was good.
Letter to myself 7/30/04 - damnpamn's Blog - Blogster
Letter to myself 7/30/04 - damnpamn's Blog - Blogster
7/30/04 - 42 years old
Things are going well. I have
set some short term goals and I am meeting them. Daddy is doing well
and we have settled into what seems to be a good working routine. My
blood pressure is terrible and I am learning to let go of all
unnecessary stress. This includes what should be ordinary stress of
everyday life, but since I definitely don't live an ordinary life I have
had to redefine what stress is for me.
I had not realized until
lately what an emotional toll the divorce took on me. It has taken me 9
years since I left Bobby and 6 years since the divorce to rebound. I
see a future starting to formulate beyond the dream stage.
I have
been finding homes for dogs from a puppy mill. It was a slow start but
things seem to be falling into place. Even my credit is improving for
the first time since the divorce. I realize I am just starting to
rebuild my life even though I thought I was doing it all along.
10 Goals
1. Lose weight
2. (can't read it)
3. give myself a break
4. write a book
5. learn computer
6. make money
7. move
8. make new connections - both business and personal
9. get glasses
10. learn something new
For
many years I used to write myself a letter on Christmas and my
birthday. I thought they were all lost when I lost everything when I got
sick 7 years ago. I found this one today.
I guess I don't need to write these letters anymore since I started blogging my ass off 6 years ago
7/30/04 - 42 years old
Things are going well. I have
set some short term goals and I am meeting them. Daddy is doing well
and we have settled into what seems to be a good working routine. My
blood pressure is terrible and I am learning to let go of all
unnecessary stress. This includes what should be ordinary stress of
everyday life, but since I definitely don't live an ordinary life I have
had to redefine what stress is for me.
I had not realized until
lately what an emotional toll the divorce took on me. It has taken me 9
years since I left Bobby and 6 years since the divorce to rebound. I
see a future starting to formulate beyond the dream stage.
I have
been finding homes for dogs from a puppy mill. It was a slow start but
things seem to be falling into place. Even my credit is improving for
the first time since the divorce. I realize I am just starting to
rebuild my life even though I thought I was doing it all along.
10 Goals
1. Lose weight
2. (can't read it)
3. give myself a break
4. write a book
5. learn computer
6. make money
7. move
8. make new connections - both business and personal
9. get glasses
10. learn something new
For
many years I used to write myself a letter on Christmas and my
birthday. I thought they were all lost when I lost everything when I got
sick 7 years ago. I found this one today.
I guess I don't need to write these letters anymore since I started blogging my ass off 6 years ago
She Spent Her Life Collecting Memories instead of Things - damnpamn's Blog - Blogster
She Spent Her Life Collecting Memories instead of Things - damnpamn's Blog - Blogster
That's what people say when they reach the end of their time and they don't have any material possessions.
I
have to say that in my case I made a conscious choice to create
memories at a young age. I grew up in a home where we wanted for
nothing....nothing material that is. But I realized at a young age that
something was missing in our home. I didn't quite know what it was
until I left home though.
You can't miss what you never had.
We
were missing a closeness in our family that most families have. A
sense of belonging and knowing that no matter what somebody had your
back. We were missing unconditional love. Love in our household was
meted out just like money. The more you accomplished the more you got.
Then
I left home and met Bobby Jeffrey. He showed me that there were people
that could love you no matter what you did...good or bad...you would
still be loved. For most of our marriage we didn't have a lot of money,
but we didn't let that stop us. We used to bask in the glory of each
other no matter where we were or what we were doing.
Then there
came a time when we were making plenty of money. We still made a
conscious effort to make memories. Some of the most fun times we had
were when we would dress up in our craziest tourist attire when we lived
in Florida. We would play our West Virginia Twang to the hilt and
spend the day at some tourist trap having a wonderous time. Not only
did we have fun but the people around us did and there was many a time
that employees would go the extra mile for "those crazy hillbillies"
because we were obviously enjoying ourselves so much.
Now I'm a
little older. I'm not old exactly but I am in poor health. I can't go
places and I can't do things but what I can do is relive the fun
times...and sometimes the not so fun times because I lived a life that
was full. People wonder how I keep from getting bored now. It's easy.
I'm a dreamer...always have been...always will be.
One
of the first things I realized when my health took a turn for the
worst. I had all this "stuff" laying around and I knew without a doubt
that nobody would want most of it. None of it mattered because...
"you can't take it with you."
That's what people say when they reach the end of their time and they don't have any material possessions.
I
have to say that in my case I made a conscious choice to create
memories at a young age. I grew up in a home where we wanted for
nothing....nothing material that is. But I realized at a young age that
something was missing in our home. I didn't quite know what it was
until I left home though.
You can't miss what you never had.
We
were missing a closeness in our family that most families have. A
sense of belonging and knowing that no matter what somebody had your
back. We were missing unconditional love. Love in our household was
meted out just like money. The more you accomplished the more you got.
Then
I left home and met Bobby Jeffrey. He showed me that there were people
that could love you no matter what you did...good or bad...you would
still be loved. For most of our marriage we didn't have a lot of money,
but we didn't let that stop us. We used to bask in the glory of each
other no matter where we were or what we were doing.
Then there
came a time when we were making plenty of money. We still made a
conscious effort to make memories. Some of the most fun times we had
were when we would dress up in our craziest tourist attire when we lived
in Florida. We would play our West Virginia Twang to the hilt and
spend the day at some tourist trap having a wonderous time. Not only
did we have fun but the people around us did and there was many a time
that employees would go the extra mile for "those crazy hillbillies"
because we were obviously enjoying ourselves so much.
Now I'm a
little older. I'm not old exactly but I am in poor health. I can't go
places and I can't do things but what I can do is relive the fun
times...and sometimes the not so fun times because I lived a life that
was full. People wonder how I keep from getting bored now. It's easy.
I'm a dreamer...always have been...always will be.
One
of the first things I realized when my health took a turn for the
worst. I had all this "stuff" laying around and I knew without a doubt
that nobody would want most of it. None of it mattered because...
"you can't take it with you."
I Wrecked Because of Pure Stupidity - damnpamn's Blog - Blogster
I Wrecked Because of Pure Stupidity - damnpamn's Blog - Blogster
I was going too fast in the snow. I didn't think I was but
when your truck ends up sitting on the guard rail of the interstate then
obviously you were doing something wrong. And I was. I was driving
too fast for the road conditions.
I had just moved back to West
Virginia from Florida after living down south for 5 years. I should
have taken into consideration the fact that I had not been on icy roads
for a few years, but "NO", "NOT ME," "Not Super driver!"
I started to say, " in my defense," but there's not one so I won't waste my time with that.
I
was coming down a mountain on a 4 lane highway in a line of about 5
cars. I decided that I didn't want to be in the back catching all the
slush and muck from the other cars so I got into the other slush covered
lane (there weren't even any tire tracks in the thick, wet snow) and I
proceeded to pass the other cars. I was going around 50 mph.
Just
as I got to the foot of the hill in a gently sloping curve the back of
my truck decided that it wanted to be the front of my truck. I started
doing doughnuts at 50 mph! Here I was whirling and twirling, completely
out of control, watching as I spun out between each and every car I had
just passed. It was a nightmare come true. I have to give credit to
the other drivers for not hitting me.
I was in the truck with my
70 pound greyhound and she was flung into me as the truck spun around.
The force of her body hitting mine is something I will never forget and
is an excellent argument for strapping your kids in. Even if you have
your seat belt on they become 70 pound projectiles!
What I didn't
feel as I was spinning like a top was all 4 corners of my truck hitting
the guard rail at some point! But you could sure see the damage after I
got out of the truck. It was obvious after looking at my truck sitting
on top of the guard rail that only a tow truck was going to get me out
of my predicament.
It was so scary and I was so grateful that ALL
of the cars I had just passed pulled off to the side of the road to
make sure I was okay. This was in the days before cell phones and a
kind man in one of the other cars offered to take me and Queenie (my
greyhound) to some place safe. My dad was a car dealer - hence my
feeling of being an indestructible driver - I was a car dealer's
daughter after all. So he drove us to one of my dad's car dealer
friend's lots and I called my dad from there to come get me.
The
good samaritan tried to go to my truck to get Queenie out and I stopped
him. Queenie was a gentle soul who never offered to bite anyone in her
life but when a dog is scared and potentially hurt it isn't a good idea
for a stranger to approach them. So I got her out of the truck and she
was none the worse for wear. She went to sleep as soon as we got into
the man's car and she slept at the car lot until my dad got there to get
us.
There was surprisingly little damage to the truck. As I
mentioned all 4 corners were dinged in but other than that it looked
fine. But the insurance company still totaled it because it probably
had tons of damage to the undercarriage when it was dragged off the
guard rail.
My dad was kind enough to give me another truck since
I was in the process of divorcing my husband - hence my move back to
West Virginia in the first place.
I was going too fast in the snow. I didn't think I was but
when your truck ends up sitting on the guard rail of the interstate then
obviously you were doing something wrong. And I was. I was driving
too fast for the road conditions.
I had just moved back to West
Virginia from Florida after living down south for 5 years. I should
have taken into consideration the fact that I had not been on icy roads
for a few years, but "NO", "NOT ME," "Not Super driver!"
I started to say, " in my defense," but there's not one so I won't waste my time with that.
I
was coming down a mountain on a 4 lane highway in a line of about 5
cars. I decided that I didn't want to be in the back catching all the
slush and muck from the other cars so I got into the other slush covered
lane (there weren't even any tire tracks in the thick, wet snow) and I
proceeded to pass the other cars. I was going around 50 mph.
Just
as I got to the foot of the hill in a gently sloping curve the back of
my truck decided that it wanted to be the front of my truck. I started
doing doughnuts at 50 mph! Here I was whirling and twirling, completely
out of control, watching as I spun out between each and every car I had
just passed. It was a nightmare come true. I have to give credit to
the other drivers for not hitting me.
I was in the truck with my
70 pound greyhound and she was flung into me as the truck spun around.
The force of her body hitting mine is something I will never forget and
is an excellent argument for strapping your kids in. Even if you have
your seat belt on they become 70 pound projectiles!
What I didn't
feel as I was spinning like a top was all 4 corners of my truck hitting
the guard rail at some point! But you could sure see the damage after I
got out of the truck. It was obvious after looking at my truck sitting
on top of the guard rail that only a tow truck was going to get me out
of my predicament.
It was so scary and I was so grateful that ALL
of the cars I had just passed pulled off to the side of the road to
make sure I was okay. This was in the days before cell phones and a
kind man in one of the other cars offered to take me and Queenie (my
greyhound) to some place safe. My dad was a car dealer - hence my
feeling of being an indestructible driver - I was a car dealer's
daughter after all. So he drove us to one of my dad's car dealer
friend's lots and I called my dad from there to come get me.
The
good samaritan tried to go to my truck to get Queenie out and I stopped
him. Queenie was a gentle soul who never offered to bite anyone in her
life but when a dog is scared and potentially hurt it isn't a good idea
for a stranger to approach them. So I got her out of the truck and she
was none the worse for wear. She went to sleep as soon as we got into
the man's car and she slept at the car lot until my dad got there to get
us.
There was surprisingly little damage to the truck. As I
mentioned all 4 corners were dinged in but other than that it looked
fine. But the insurance company still totaled it because it probably
had tons of damage to the undercarriage when it was dragged off the
guard rail.
My dad was kind enough to give me another truck since
I was in the process of divorcing my husband - hence my move back to
West Virginia in the first place.
Pudgy's New Favorite Spot - damnpamn's Blog - Blogster
Pudgy's New Favorite Spot - damnpamn's Blog - Blogster
He's on the little table
where I keep my laptop. When he gets mad he knocks decorations off the
tree. At the rate he's going I'll be able to take the tree down by
fall.
where I keep my laptop. When he gets mad he knocks decorations off the
tree. At the rate he's going I'll be able to take the tree down by
fall.
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