Thursday, June 28, 2012

On Thong Bikinis

When I lived in West Palm they were having a big debate about making thong bikinis illegal. This was when the hotdog girls were selling hotdogs on the corner wearing nothing but thongs and pasties . (they may still be doing it, I have been gone for years now!)

Anyway I told my friend Carolyn that we could settle the debate in 5 minutes. "Let's go out and put on a thong and walk down the block! Thongs will be illegal before we get to the end of the street!

Of course we didn't do it and they are still legal! There is more than one way to do the world a favor, my public display of skin could be just the ticket.

One day Bobby and I were driving along and we came upon Gloria, the most famous of the thong clad hot dog ladies. She was even more beautiful in person than she was on tv. I told Bobby to pull on over and get me a hot dog. I could see he was dying inside to do so!

The last thing I told him when he got out of the car was to not forget the mustard. Never mind the fact that $4 for a hot dog with no chili should be a criminal offense to begin with!

He walked over to stand in line with the other gawking, salivating "gentlemen". I watched as he took his turn at the front of the line and stammered out his order for one hot dog. I watched as he made his way back to the car beaming with pride at his purchase. You would have thought someone had given him the finest steak dinner imaginable for free by looking at his beaming face.

He handed me my hot dog and started the car. Just to be a bitch I told him, " I think I saw a pimple on her butt."

He said, "trust me, that woman has no flaws anywhere!"

Then there was the time I rented off an old man who used to work in the electric business. He still had a bucket truck. Just for kicks he would load up the guys working for him on their lunch hour. He would raise his bucket up as high as it would go and they would ride round and round the nudist colony down the road.


Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Dwayne's First Trip to the Beach

I had a nephew named Dwayne. He was raised up a hollow in Boone County and had none of the advantages of life. Bobby and I used to take him and do things with him but when we moved to Florida we only saw him in the summer. We brought him to Florida one summer and we took him for his first trip to the beach. He was 12 years old.

We were having a ball with him and enjoying all the things you enjoy with a child who has never been to the beach before. He was afraid to go past the foam that the waves had strewn across the beach at first. He would tip toe through it laughing delightedly. We played in the sand and slowly built his confidence up so that he could go into the ocean with one of us after awhile.

Bobby went to get us some snacks and while he was gone Dwayne and I were lounging on our beach blankets when I saw a man coming in the distance. As he got closer I saw it was a man of 50 or 60 years of age and he was wearing a speedo. He had a big, pot belly and in no way had any business wearing such skimpy beach attire but I didn't pay too much attention until I saw Dwayne staring quite obviously at the man. Dwayne had never been to a public pool, much less the beach, and he didn't quite know what to think about a man dressed like that in public. I whispered to him to not stare because it was not polite and I tried to distract him.

I was doing fine with my little distractions until the man walked past us. Not only was he wearing a speedo but he was wearing a THONG SPEEDO! Dwayne saw the man's big, fat, hairy butt cheeks and he lost it. He laid down on the beach roaring with laughter and pointing at the man. I moved to try to calm the child and to stop his very loud, public display of mirth at the man's choice of attire (or lack of it). THERE WAS NO STOPPING HIM. He laughed and rolled and pointed and I desperately stepped up my attempts to stop him because you just never know how somebody will react to someone so obviously (and deservedly) making fun of them.

The man walked about 100 feet past us and then he turned around and he was obviously enraged. As he stalked toward us glaring and ready to tell me and Dwayne off at the bare minimum, I could do nothing but beg Dwayne to stop laughing. It was an awful situation to be in. When he got about 20 feet from us, all of a sudden he turned around and walked away. I was so relieved. I guess he saw that he was dealing with a woman and a child and maybe, just maybe, he may have realized he deserved Dwayne's reaction to that tiny, little thong he was wearing.

Later as I tried to explain to Dwayne that you just don't react to people like that in public. He would just exclaim, "but I saw his his butt, Aunt Pam!" I don't think I ever got across to him how much danger we were possibly in.

Monday, June 25, 2012

The Bouquet

I ran around with a gang of girls in high school. We weren't a gang like you hear about today. We were just a group of girls who called ourselves "the gang". There were 13 of us and we all hung out together and had fun and readied ourselves for our college years. There was probably never as big a group of bookworms called a gang in history. We also liked to refer ourselves as "the slut club" even though not one of us ever had a date.

In our senior year of high school Kristie came to us and told us she was getting married the next day. We were in shock. We didn't even know she had a boyfriend. We were all a twitter with the hurried wedding preparations and we all went to the ceremony at a little church in Sarah Ann, WV. I went with Sami. Sami and I were pretty like minded in that neither of us particulary wanted to marry and have a family. Our goals were career oriented.

At the end of the wedding all the single girls were herded together, much to Sami's and my chagrin. But we participated because we didn't want to hurt Kristie's feelings. Sami and I stood at the back of the pack and weren't even paying attention as all the other girls were jumping and dancing and jockeying for position to catch the bouquet.

I was saying something to Sami when all of a sudden that bouquet slammed her full in the chest. She caught it even though she was looking at me and talking and paying the least bit of attention to what was going on.

She was mortified as Kristie congratulated her on catching the bouquet and told her she would be the next to be married. She wanted no more of the bouquet than I would have if I had caught it. Being the master of tact she promptly gifted the bouquet back to Kristie so that she would have it to remember her wedding for all time. Kristie objected saying that Sami was supposed to keep it for luck, but we both assured her that the bouquet would be more of a keepsake for her than it ever would for Sami.

Sami was one happy girl when Kristie finally agreed to take the bouquet and she considered it one of her favorite wedding gifts.