Saturday, July 9, 2011

I AM EVIL - I'm just very slow at it

I've been working sudoku puzzles for almost 5 years now. Normally I only do the challenger ones but if my oxygen is low I can't even do an easy one.

I discovered

According to this site I do the evil puzzles Unfortunately according to my stats I am slower than most at solving them. However, it does give me a new challenge and I am having fun at getting faster at it!

Fat Women Float

I know because I am fat. I am usually the fattest woman at the pool but I don't let that stop me. If you don't want to look at me then exercise your neck and turn your head!

My problem is that most of my weight is concentrated in my butt and thighs! That means that my ass wants to float to the surface while my lighter upper body is forced forward by the force of my butt hovering on top of the water.

It's too bad I can't breathe through the blow hole in my rear - I could stay in the water forever!

What would you do if you won a really BIG lottery?

I'm not talking about a petty million dollars or something. I'm talking $300,000,000 like Jack Whittaker did. (It ruined his life - imagine that)

I would buy an amphibious RV and drive down the Ohio River to the Mississippi and when I got to Texas I would turn right and go to California and see where I was born since I was too young to remember it when we left.

I would build a house on top of a mountain in WV complete with pool and helipad and fly my helicopter to my beach house on the ocean. I would have a stable adjoining my house with sliding glass doors so I could admire my horses and animals all I wanted. I would have somebody elses (plural) to clean and care for them.

I would have a library complete with one of those cool swing around ladders. I don't think $300,000. 000 would be enough to buy a Gutenberg Bible but I would sure like to have one.

I would open a no kill animal shelter for southern WV and probably at my beach house as well.

I would go around handing out money to people obviously in need - especially at Christmas and I would do the same thing at hospitals as well.

I would give scholarships to high school students with the stipulation that they don't have to pay me back they just have to put someone else through college once they have made it.

I think that would probably spend my $300,000.000.

I went to "Live on the Levee" Last Night

It was nice. Andy Griggs was the featured artist and I knew a couple of the songs that he had that were hits. They were "You Won't Ever Be Lonely," and "She's More." Buckstone opened up for him. They were good as well.

They have "Live on the Levee" every Friday night through the summer but I usually have to walk so far by the time I park and heat is a real problem for me. Last night the weather was great and at one point I enjoyed a beautiful sunset as it beamed across the river and the sun went behind the mountain. The song he was singing seemed to fit the moment perfectly.

I only had to walk a block. While I was tired I wasn't devastated as I have been in the past by the walk. There was once I almost passed out from it and I had stopped and rested 2 or 3 times along the way. I may try to do it again before the summer is over but that is the night I am supposed to be in the computer room, so I'll just have to play it by ear.

I have seen 3 of my doctors in the past couple of weeks. I have one to go on Monday. They are all "thrilled" by my recent progress with the only caveat being that I need to lose weight. It doesn't take a doctor to figure that one out. I'm working on it as well as working on getting stronger. My oxygen doctor doesn't even want to see me for a year! whooo hooo! Monday's doctor visit is just a formality. He will just put the rubber stamp on what my other doctors have already said.

Here's to me getting stronger...

Friday, July 8, 2011

Somebody, Steal My Identity Please!

Hey somebody steal my identity please and improve my credit while your at it.

You sure can't hurt it

Cake in the Face!

My mom loves cakes from our local bakery. One year I don't remember if it was mother's day or for her birthday (her birthday is June 4th.) we got her a cake. We knew that she would sneak and taste it so WE WARNED HER not to eat it until it was time. SHE DID NOT LISTEN.

We walked in and caught her - ed (or icing fingered if you will) in the cake. So my brother walked over and picked up the cake and planted it firmly IN HER FACE! The whole time the cake was embedded in her face she was chomping it as fast as she could. It was one of the greatest presents that she ever received she said."A WHOLE CAKE JUST FOR ME!"

Obviously we couldn't eat any after it was buried all over her face. (It was much too mangled after that) We even have pictures of the cake in her face. (at least we did until the house burned down)

Fun Stuff!

"I don't feel like being mangled today"

...that's what I told my husband as he left for our mutual therapy session one day. I was feeling like crap and I didn't feel like having our chiropractor contort and manipulate my body into unnatural positions. I just didn't need the added pain that day. So, I asked Bobby to make my excuses to the doctor and just set up another appointment for me for the next time he was to go in.

The very next time I went to the chiropractor's office I was sitting there waiting for him to enter the room. When he walked into the exam room he had a huge smile on his face. He said, "It's wonderful to see you today, Mrs. Jeffrey. I guess you feel like being mangled today?"

I wanted to crawl under the table.

My fattycatty Escape Plan Is in Effect

I live on the 8th. floor. I have worried ever since I moved in here that there would be a fire and both I and fattycatty would be trapped. However I have finally solved the problem of fattycatty's escape should there ever be a massive conflagration and the entire building be dissolved in a pile of ruins.

I have bought enough rope that I can lower her to the ground from my apartment window in her cat carrier. Should there ever be a fire, I have the comfort that my baby will be safe.

There remains the problem, however, of getting myself out!. We have been told to shelter in place and the firemen would get us out. I don't see how they can empty an entire building of the disabled and infirmed. I feel that those of us on the top floors will perish simply because they couldn't get to us in time.

I guess in a worse case scenario I can use my fattycatty escape rope to lower myself to the ground Batman Style! I can see that tiny strand of rope holding my morbidly obese body as I smoothly rappel to the waiting ground below. One things for sure - I'll make it to the ground one way or the other!

Thursday, July 7, 2011


One time my brother and I went deep sea fishing with my dad in Jacksonville, Fl. About an hour after we went out my dad hooked a giant fish called an amberjack. It was so big that the captain of the boat made everybody else pull their hooks in so daddy could reel it in. It took him over an hour of wrestling with that fish to get it on the boat.

I was 13 years old. That fish was over 3 foot long and when I would tell people about it, I would tell people that it was THIIIIS BIG, and extend both my arms to their full length. Which was the truth.

What I didn't understand until I was older is that my dad LOVED to tell the story about the big one he reeled in and he would always have me, at the appropriate time, tell his friends exactly how big that fish was. Even as an adult I would still tell people that the fish was THIIIIS BIG and extend my arms. It didn't matter that I had doubled in size since the big fishing trip. I still used the same action to describe that fish, which of course made the fish look bigger and bigger. Therefore my dad could talk about the fish and use me to demonstrate how big that sucker was and still not be lying.

I did not figure this out until recently.

Here is a juicy little tidbit about that day. My brother and I were both excruciatingly seasick. I managed not to throw up though. Billy on the other hand puked over the side of the boat all day. That night when we went home he must have eaten some pickled tomatoes because I went into the bathroom in the middle of the night and there was a half of a pickled tomato on the toilet seat that he had thrown up. It was a sight that I will never forget!

I wonder if that was the time I locked the keys in the trunk of the car. Daddy had to unlock the car with a coat hanger and take out the back seat of the car and crawl into the trunk to get the keys.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

"Here's the only review that I pay attention to!"

I was working at the worst job I ever had - Pizza Hut!

I was the only waitress and we were in the middle of a god awful lunch rush. In walked the "mystery man" from corporate to do my review. (of course I knew who he was!) I was trying to keep whole families happy and not screw up any orders and this "ya - hew" wants me to give him impeccable service!


I got to him when I could and I ignored him as much as humanly possible while still giving the paying customers the best possible service that I could give them. I basically slopped him his order and left him his check and went on my merry way. That night when I was ready to leave the manager called me into his office. "You have gotten me the worst review of my career! I know you do better work than this. What in the hell was wrong with you today?"

I smiled at him and I reached over and grabbed my tip card. I was the highest tip earner of the day by about double what anybody else had. (I made sure to report every penny that day. Usually I just made sure I came in second every day)

I looked the manager in the eye and I said, "This is the only review that I pay attention to. I knew who that guy was from corporate and as far as I'm concerned I was so busy that he should have gotten off his lazy ass and to help me with that lunch rush! Now do what ever you want to do to me!"

I walked out.

He never said another word to me about it.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Craziness at Lee Terrace

First of all, on Saturday, somebody on the first floor died. I don't think I knew her. Word is, she was new to the building.

Yesterday, someone who shall remain nameless, relayed this story to me. She was in the computer room, incessantly playing her computer game when a drunk wandered in. Now, before you go nutty, this is a 70 year old woman who I have noticed seems to be losing her faculties in the past year.

She had never seen this particular drunk before and he asked her to help him to his room. She couldn't help him because she didn't know him and she is not very ambulatory anyway. She asked another resident to help him but he didn't know him either. She said the drunk seemed to be getting sicker and sicker and at this point I asked her if she called 911. She said she didn't call them because she didn't want to get the man in trouble.

Then he passed out in the floor.

I asked her if she called 911 at this point - again she said, "no." Her excuses were that her cell phone won't dial 911 and when I pointed out that there was a pay phone at the end of the hall she said she couldn't walk that far. I know for a fact that if there were a juicy bit of gossip happening at the end of the hall she would make her way there in a heartbeat! The problem was (I feel) that she really didn't want to be interrupted in her slot games!!!

So she let him lay in the floor of the computer room until Ricky came along. Ricky is mentally retarded. He is a good soul and will help anyone who needs help. She asked him to get the man to his room. Ricky told her he would get help and thankfully he went and got Harold, the maintenance man. Harold immediately called 911. My friend was perturbed that Ricky got Harold instead of one of the building residents to help the drunk. Her priority being that she didn't want to get him in trouble - never mind the fact, that he wouldn't need an apartment if he died on the computer room floor!

I don't know what happened to the drunk (other than the ambulance took him to the hospital). I do know that my friend is highly irritated at Harold because he, rightfully so in my opinion, chewed her ass for not calling 911 when the man was passed out in the floor of the computer room at her feet as she was playing slots.

I'm still shaking my head at this one.

The other day I asked a judge if it would be ok if I shot shoplifters in the butt with a beebee gun!

Now before you start thinking what in the world is she doing in front of a judge, I wasn't in court. He comes in the store a lot and he is a very fun customer to engage. However, he didn't see the humor in my question. He got very serious when I asked him. He let me know I would be prosecuted for malicious wounding.

He couldn't help but laugh when I told him that I had no malicious intent - I just wanted to have a little fun and shoot a shoplifter in the but with a beebee! He tried not to smile but he couldn't help himself as he chastized me and let me know he would throw the book at me in court.

Fortunately for me I have also asked one of the best local defense attorneys around the same question. He thought it was very funny and told me he would defend me for free!

Can You Beat This Price?

Here are prices I paid for staples this month. Can you get your stuff any cheaper?

Aldi's :

1. Seedless Watermelon - $2.99 - shared half because I can't eat it all

2. Chunk light tuna in water - 55 cents

3. Light Ranch Dressing - 1.29

4. Frozen Green Beans (1lb.) - $1.49

5. Frozen shrimp alfredo (single serving) - $1.49 (I love this stuff - 300 calories)

6. Real Bacon Bits - $1.39

7. Viniagrette Dressing - $1.99 (garlic flavor, I haven't tried this one but the house dressing is great and this one had less salt)

8. 4 Anjou Pears - $1.69

9. 3lb. gala apples - $2.99

10. Chili Powder - 99 cents

11. Lower Sodium Bacon - $2.99 (I buy one pack of bacon a month)

12. Broccoli Crowns - $1.69 (3 heads)

13. 2 slicing tomatoes (1 is huge) - $1.79

14. large bottle of Canola Oil - $2.69

15. cucumber - 59 cents

16. 3 zucchini - $1.69

17. Iceberg Lettuce (head) - .89

18. Premium Salsa - 1.99 (available in Aldi's Cooler, it is far supreme to any commercial salsa I have ever tasted. I am addicted to it)

19. Taco Shells (no sodium) - 99 cents

20. Parmesan Cheese - $2.39 (Aldi's brand - it tastes better than most as well)

The following items I bought at Dollar Tree. Everything is a dollar

1. (15) 2 quart freezer bags

2. cap n crunch cereal (4 servings)

3. wyler's pink lemonade mix - 3 packs

4. marachino cherries (these had stems on them and they were terrible - don't buy this!)

5. pink serving bowl (to match my pink tumblers)

7. butterfly net (to catch minnows with when I go fishing)

8. 2 freedom magnets for my truck (Go USA)

9. 2 lbs. spaghetti - the flavor of this brand is better than any other spaghetti I ever had :)

10. gravy ladle for serving

11. slotted serving spoon

12. bobble elastics (hair bands for Necia who can't get out to buy them for herself)

13. tri color rotini (pasta made with spinach and tomatoes - great for pasta salad)

14. glass cutting board ( I was going to get rid of my plastic one but I used this for something else)

15. dried pineapple - a low salt treat that I wanted to try - it was great

16. dry kidney beans - hard to find for some reason

17. lighted tweezers - I bought these for my mom. I bought her a pair for $10 a few years ago and she loved them. I haven't been able to find them since.

18. toe nail clippers

19. 2 lighters (you never know when you'll need one)

20. small serving fork

21. fashion barettes - the right side to hold my heavy hair (another hard to find item)

22. powder

23. oval roaster - I use these for disposable cat litter pans

24. grape juice - I haven't tried this brand but the cranberry juice is good, so...

I bought the following stuff at various places

25. milk (reduced priced) - $2.19 ( the reduced price milk at fruth lasts for weeks after the expiration date

26. Strawberry Syrup - a big no no for me!

27. nutella - $3.00 - I have always wanted to try this and when I saw it at Big Lots for $3.00 I had to get it. It's good but I couldn't see putting it on toast so I baked chocolate fudge cupcakes (mix) and put the nutella on top of it. I took the cupcakes to Fruth yesterday for the 4th. and everyone loved them

28. shower brush - $3.00

29. Very large bottle of Pantene Conditioner - $6.00 - I got twice as much for half the price I would have paid at Fruth with my employee discount

30. 4 large bottles of marzetti salad dressing - $1.99 (Country French has less sodium than just about any other commercial dressing)

31. homemade sausage (at the store) 99 cents. I fry it and freeze each patty and get them out about once a week.

32. large bottle Thyme $1.69

33. Olay Ribbons - 5.00 - again I got twice as much as I would have gotten at Fruth with my employee discount for the same money

34. (5) Burger King Original Chicken Sandwiches $1.00 each. I bought them with the intention of eating one a day. I ended up giving 3 coworkers who do me favors all the time a sandwich. They were very happy!!!!

35. 30 feet of rope - I am making fattycatty an escape rope, in case there is a fire and I have to lower her 9 floors to the ground. I have 3 ropes tied together now. I need about 2 more.

36. electrical tape - $1.00

37. Gas for $3.45 a gallon with a 20 cent a gallon discount at Kroger.

Monday, July 4, 2011

A Forgotten 4th. Memory

I remember standing behind my dad's wheelchair on the sidewalk outside our home in Huntington, WV. The fireworks from Camden Park which was about 3 miles away were plainly visible from our vantage point.

It was a lovely father/daughter moment.

It was his last 4th. of July celebration.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Yah! I'm Working Tomorrow!

Now I know that is not what you usually hear when people have to work the holiday but I haven't worked a holiday since I got sick 5 years ago.

Just further proof that I am getting stronger!!!!

Wax On, Wax Off

I prefer my men with hair on their chest...and their legs too for that matter!

Don't Let Somebody Tell You What's in the Constitution - Read It for Yourself Here

At this site you can read the original Constitution or a transcript of it.