Saturday, June 25, 2011

Remember Vacation Bible School

We used to love Vacation Bible School.

Our family didn't belong to a church, although we went with grandparents or friends occasionally. Church and Sunday School were generally pretty boring and of course you have to be on your best behavior when in church.

When summer came we would get invitations to Bible School and we would have a blast. It was a relaxed way to have fun. Of course everything was Bible oriented but that's OK. It wasn't like work or anything. We would have arts and crafts and sing and there was the obligatory kool-aid and cookies which would have been enough in itself to keep we three in attendance.

I still remember my favorite song they taught us one year. We went around singing it forever. It has a catchy tune and was meant to be sung loud and strong which happens to be my specialty when singing.

The B-I-B-L-E

Oh, that's the book for me!

The word of God.

The love of God.

The B-I-B-L-E!

That's right!

In Honor of Ellie

We had a 6 month old St. Bernard once for 3 days. At the same time we had a dalmation that had a litter of puppies and another dalmation that we rescued that had a litter of puppies. In all we had 13 dalmations. They looked pretty special running around.

Anyway the St. Bernards name was Ellie.(short for elliephant!). My dad gave her away because everybody in the neighborhood was scared of her. Poor Wimpy pulled a knife on her. (he was really old!) I took her for a walk and she got away from me and ran through the store next door knocking stuff off the shelves all over the place.

The last straw was when she decided to lay down in the middle of the road stopping traffic in both directions. This cause someone to hit one of our puppies with a car and since my dad was the 3rd. car in line he loaded her up (in spite of our tears) and gave her away to a man that owed a gas station (he said)

It was 3 days of fun for us kids that none of us ever forgot

Friday, June 24, 2011

The Story of fattycatty

I adopted fattycatty 3 years ago in July from the animal shelter when she was 11 years old. I was watching the local news and the people from the shelter were doing their featured pet of the week segment when Jenifer McAndrews, the local anchorwoman, offered to pay for the adoption of a cat because the shelter was overcrowded.

I wanted to go immediately but I didn't. I thought I'll let some kid take advantage of the offer. I waited until the end of the day and I called the shelter to see if anyone had adopted a cat - no one had. I made a beeline for the shelter because she had put an end of the day deadline on paying for the adoption.

I walked into the shelter and I told them to give me the oldest cat they had. This surprised them and they asked me why. I told them that I was disabled and I didn't have the energy to take care of some crazy cat - I needed one that would just lay there. They sent me to the cat room to make sure that I wanted fattycatty. (not her name at that time) I went to her cage and she was just laying there - a beautiful, calico cat.

In the cage with her was another cat. He was absolutely begging me to take him home. He was obviously a much better pet. I went back to the front desk and I told them I couldn't make my mind up - to just surprise me and put a cat in a carrier and I would be happy either way.

The director of the animal shelter was standing there and she jokingly said, "I give you a two for one deal if you take them both."

Much to her surprise, I told her to "load 'em up."

"Seriously," she asked.

"Yes, I'll take them both if you will let me have them." That is how I ended up getting 2 cats for free that day.

I didn't realize how fat that fattycatty was until I picked up the carrier to take her into the house. (shelter employees had loaded them in the truck for me) I was shocked! I could barely carry it up my stairs. (remember I'm disabled and I was doing very badly at that time). Fattycatty was so traumatized by her adoption that I was sure that she was going to die every day for about 6 months. I have video of her on youtube of her actually lying down to take a drink of water. She was too fat to stand up! She had been a one owner cat for the first 11 years of her life and in the space of days she had gone from a happy home to the shelter to my house. She was not adjusting well at all - and her weight didn't help.

The other cat, Andykitty, was the perfect pet. Unfortunately I didn't have the energy for a perfect pet and I found a woman who was suffering from empty nest syndrome and gave him to her. She still thanks me everytime she sees me. While Andykitty lived with me he tended to fattycatty's every need. He bathed her and he looked out for her. He was a very good friend.

After Andykitty left I had to start bathing fattycatty. She was so fat that she couldn't clean herself up. I had to do it for her. She is eat up with arthritis so I can only pet her head. She weighs about 16 lbs now, which is about double a normal cats weight but she can jump in my lap and run around like a normal cat. She is not shy. In fact she is very aggravating when she doesn't get her way - much like me.

She can YOWL so loudly and miserably that you would think she was dying if you didn't know better. That's a good thing though. It means she has adjusted and she has no problem letting me know when something doesn't suit her. She has at least 5 beds in my little apartment and she loves to chase "pounce "- her favorite treat.

I have a couple of videos of her in my video section as well as a few more on youtube. I can't get them to post today for some reason though.


Thursday, June 23, 2011

Up the Creek Without a Paddle

When I was about 15 and Sis was around 10 we decided to go out in my brothers boat. This is something that we were expressly forbidden to do under any circumstances. We sneaked down to the river giggling the whole way and as quietly as possible put the boat into the river. She got in first and with a mighty push I jumped in and settled into the seat.

Laughing we started to look around for the oars. There weren't any! Here we were floating down the mighty Guyandotte River with no oars! There wasn't even anything that we could pretend were oars! In a panic we started to use our hands as oars. We weren't so afraid of floating downriver without those paddles (even though the rapids were about 1 mile away), as we were terrified of getting caught out in that boat!

We managed to get to shore about a 1/2 mile down river. Now we had to figure out how to get the boat back without getting caught. We dragged that boat up the river to the house through knee deep, sucking, mud and nothing but wild brush on the river bank. I can't count the times we fell down, but we made it - dragging that boat the whole way.

To this day we both will bust out laughing when we talk about "that time we stole the boat" and nobody still knows about it.

Things To Know BEFORE You Board Your Dog

One summer I worked in a boarding kennel. Here are some of the things they used to do to deceive the public. (yes, it was a reputable kennel. I was quite surprised by some of this stuff!)

1. They offered food that was not available. they would offer Iams, Purina and Pedigree. No matter what food the dog owner requested they fed Pedigree. (the cheapest brand)

2. Some dog owners supply their pets with food from home. Instead of feeding it to the dogs the workers would take it home to their own pets and feed the kennel dogs Pedigree.

3. They would feed too little food. They would feed big dogs in cat food bowls. Little dogs would get about 10 to 20 morsels of food a day. this was done to cut down on "waste" (pooper scooping). when dogs would lose alot of weight the owners would be told the dog grieved for them and refused to eat!

4. Overcrowding was a common problem, even when owners called for a reservation. After the owner would leave the door would be closed to the runs and dogs would be housed on both sides of the gate. Even when dog owners would pay for multiple runs, their dogs would be housed together and each side of both kennels would be filled with dogs.

5. Dog owners would pay extra for special walks for their pets. The dogs were not walked.

6. There were special runs so dogs could go out and play in pens. The dogs were not put in the pens, instead the big dogs would be kept outside at all times.

7. Some kennels were air conditioned and others weren't. More would be charged for the air conditioned kennels. As soon as the owners left the dogs would be moved to the unairconditioned kennels.

8. I never saw a dog hit or mistreated.

9. They always had plenty of water

10. It was common for medications not to be given

11. Bedding would be promised for all dogs. It would not be given because they didn't want to clean the bed up when it was messed. Even when the owner brought the dogs beds with them.

If you want to know what is actually going on with your dog when it is boarded go to pick it up early. Do not call first. Insist on accompanying the kennel worker to your dogs pen.

Good Deed Alerts for June

Yesterday, while at the doctor's office, it took even longer than usual. I already know to feed the meter the maximum 4 hours before I go in for my 5 minute appointment with this doctor. Unfortunately when I went to feed said meter I only had enough change for an hour and 37 minutes. I said a little prayer and went on to his office.

He didn't even show up for work until I had been there for an hour. I realized that my meter was almost run out and I asked a lady for change for a dollar bill. She didn't have it but she gave me a quarter. Another lady gave me 75 cents and refused my dollar, so I made my way back and fed the dollar into the meter - the time had expired but fortunately the ever vigilant parking patrol had not made it by yet. So I made it back outside with time to spare and whomever was next got some free parking out of the deal.

hehe - here's funny damnpamn story.

When I sat down in the doctor's office, I sat beside a fan that someone had turned in my direction. I didn't mind it, in fact I enjoyed it. One old man looked at me and told me that if I was getting too much air that I could turn the fan his way. I told him I wasn't but I would be happy to turn the fan to him and I promptly did so. He smiled and told me again that he didn't want me to catch my death of cold from all that air...

I couldn't resist. I told him I enjoyed a good fan - I was at the age "you know" .


Another good deed alert: Fruth continues to give me food to give out. Yesterday they even shipped some candy and cookies from another store for me to give out in the building.

I bought chinese for my friend, Lynnie, in the pharmacy today. In the past 2 months she has saved me $600.00 on one of my meds for the year. I don't take it everyday but when they can get generic (rarely) the pills cost me $2.50 for 90 of them. When I have to buy brand they cost $100.00 for 30 pills.

On the rare occasions that the generic comes in and she sees it she will go ahead and fill it for me and tell me later that there is a surprise waiting for me in the pharmacy. Also she has personally bought my meds for me more than once and will not let me pay her back. The only thing she will let me do to repay her is to throw a dollar in our lottery pool for her if she isn't at work.

A few weeks ago Fruth gave me 33 dozen eggs to give out. I gave them to the pastor who feeds everyone a hot meal on Sunday and who buys food for anyone who asks him. His church also runs a food pantry and an afterschool feeding program for kids on the west side of Charleston - an area in great need of such a service.

I drove the eggs to his church and he told me to wait while he took them in. He came back to thank me and he threw $10 in my truck window for gas when I refused to take gas money from him. He then walked away so I had no choice but to keep it. So I put $7 worth of gas in the truck and I gave Tommy at Fruth $3 because he always loads my freebies in the truck for me and it is NOT part of his job.

Good Deed Gone Bad: Sometimes I do little neighborly things for the 80 year old lady next door. In turn she gives me her paper everyday. The drunk down the hallway keeps taking it. I tried giving it to him when I was finished with it but sometimes I take a few days to read the paper, so it wasn't good enough for him. He started to take it and read it and bring it right back. I didn't say anything. Then he started to take it and keep it for a few days. I told him to leave it alone.

He continued to take the paper. I went to the building manager and he said he couldn't do anything (even though this is on camera every day). He told me to call the police - so I did. I called a non911 community dispute number and made it plain that it wasn't an emergency and I didn't even expect them to send anyone right over, but they did. The policewoman talked with me and then with him. She came back and told me he had promised to leave the paper alone but since I wasn't actually the one purchasing the paper then he had every right to pick up trash in the hallway. She said the little, old Lady on oxygen and a cane would have to go to the trouble to handing me the paper if she wanted me to have it.

So I told the little, old lady not to give me her paper anymore. I didn't want to put her to the trouble or have the headache of someone taking my property and I sure wasn't going to hassle anyone over something so silly anymore.

My Great Rest Area Christening Tour

One time my husband and I made a trip back from Florida to West Virginia for his birthday. Along the way we made sure that we had sex at at least one rest area in each state. The trip took us 10 hours longer than usual.

I guess I should point out that we were traveling in a van. I for one have never understood the desire of some to actually have sex in a public restroom - that is one thing I have never done and never will.

The thought of it gives me the willies!

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Did Ya Ever Go Skinny-Dippin'?

Well, Do tell...

I've been, but it was never anything really scandolous. I went with my husband several times. We always had a good time. I've been a few times by myself as well.

I was kidding a younger friend today about skinny dipping, she turned postively red in the face. It was adorable. When a friend and I pressed her for details she blushed us off and said she went with a bunch of girls once.

I kept telling her that, "the water felt good, didn't it."

It was fun. We were all giggling, mostly because 2 of us haven't been since we were younger. Those days are distant, happy memories.

I'm naming my baby girl "Anonymous"

we'll call her "Annie" for short!

Now for those of you who think I'm having a baby - "IT'S A JOKE"

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

The ONLY Class I Ever Dropped Because It Was TOO Hard Was Home Economics

I took Home Ec in the 11th. grade as an elective. I didn't need the credit I had way too much and I thought what easier class than Home Ec to take. Boy was I wrong!

At our school you did one semester of sewing and a one semester of cooking. Unfortunately my first semester was sewing. I was actually looking forward to the class because I thought I would like to learn to make quilts. I quickly discovered that I am absolutely inept at sewing. The only thing I was good at was using a seam ripper!

The problem I had (still undiagnosed) was, I like to refer to it as, a touch of dyslexia. I would sew one side of my pattern perfectly fine but then I had to do the other side - hence, the problem. Every single time I would sew the other side inside out. I wouldn't do it once. I would do it over and over.

At the end of the semester we were required to make an outfit and wear it for extra credit. It took everyone else around 3 weeks to sew their outfits. I made a skirt and a blouse - it took me 2 months and that was with me going in on lunch and free class periods to sew it. I can't even begin to express my frustration level. I had always been good at everything I ever tried - at the very least, adequate anyway.

Here was something I just could not do - no matter how hard I tried. The skirt was easy. It only took me about 3 days because it was basically 2 seams - one at the waist and one at the bottom.

The blouse threw me into fits. I did the one side just fine. Everytime I sewed that stupid sleeve on and then a cuff, one or the other or both was ass backwards! I was in tears several times. The teacher would show me again and again how to do it and I just couldn't catch on.

Finally the outfit was finished after 2 months. There was no way I wasn't going to wear it. I needed the credit too darn bad! I wore it proudly to school. It didn't look bad at all on me even though one sleeve was a little short and a little too tight and the skirt was massively too big for me.

I got a "c" on it. I think it was a pure, pity "c" because she knew I honestly put every bit of my effort into it.

Our next semester was supposed to be cooking. I was so frustrated by the sewing that I dropped out of home ec and took an extra semester of gym. It was really dumb of me because I really like to cook, but I took gym even when they told me I wouldn't get any credit for it because I had already completed the class. I didn't need the credit anyway because I was an over achiever in those days. I already had enough credit to graduate at the end of the 11th. grade, they just didn't allow early graduation in those days at my school.

postscript: Even today I have problems matching things. I am the only cashier at Fruth that is not required to straighten my money - i.e. face all the bills the same way. It gives me fits! On those standardized tests they give people I have always scored in the 90th. percentile except for the visual test where you have to look at the 4 pictures and find the one that is different - they always look the same to me. My usual score in that area is in the 20 percentile range. That would be in the actual range of a lucky guess, I would think.

There's a Man in my House (repost for a friend)

A few years ago when I was taking care of my dad we were asleep in our bedrooms and I kept hearing little noises. I just shrugged them off attributing them to the construction on the bridge next door. All of a sudden daddy's little Yorkie, Katie, went nuts barking. Still in my sleep I'm thinking, "Katie's barking. Katie only barks when somebody is walking around. Daddy can't walk. DADDY CAN'T WALK!"

At this point I jumped up and I ran through the house toward Daddy's room. There was a strange man coming toward me in the living room! I stopped for a second and I screamed at him, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE!" I ran for the phone as he is ran for the back door. We collided! When we ran into each other I hit him as hard as I could with both fists! (my first thought then was "FUCK! Now he is going to have to kill me!") But he twisted around like a football player and continued to the back door. I was struck by the absolutely blank look in his eyes. (drugs)

I ran for the phone and I tried to call 911. I couldn't get the phone to work! After several tries I ran to my neighbor's house and started banging on her door. I could see the guy running away the whole time I was trying to wake her up. Then I realized it's 4am! She isn't going to answer the door if she doesn't know who it is. So I start yelling, "It's Pam! It's Pam.! Call 911!" She opened the door then and she was already on the phone to 911 (she works in the prosecutor's office and she knows all the policemen.) I was describing the guy to her and she was describing him to the operator when several police cars pulled up from everywhere!

I asked them if they saw him, because I knew they had to drive past him to get to my house. When I described him to the policeman, he said he DID see him but the dispatcher gave him the wrong description so he continued on to my house! He took off and tried to find him again. He didn't.

I saw the guy 2 days later walking around my house again and this time he was with a friend. HE WAS STILL WEARING THE SAME CLOTHES! I called the police again and they refused to come out saying it wasn't a crime for somebody to be walking around my house. They told me that I would have to get hold of the detective on the case. Of course, it was the weekend and he wasn't available. (@#*^/`#@`)

The guy was zonked out on something. He had a blank, blackhole look in his eyes when I ran into him. There was nothing there. His eyes were just fixed. The policeman asked what I thought he might have been after and I took him to my dad's drug cabinet. I started pulling out bottle after bottle saying, "this, this, this, this." He got the idea immediately. He asked how they would know my dad was on medicine. Well my dad loved to sit on the porch in his wheelchair and talk and smoke with whomever passed by. It was obvious to anyone who saw him that he was seriously ill and it wouldn't take a genious to deduce that he was on some strong meds.

That was a night that I would prefer to forget but I probably never will.

Monday, June 20, 2011

A Strawberry Birthmark

I have a small strawberry birthmark on my thigh. It didn't come out until my late teens. My mom has a larger one in the same place.

One time when I was in the sixth grade I walked into the bathroom to find the other girls sucking on their own and each others arms to make hickeys. It was a new discovery! I watched with interest at what they were doing.

One of the girls showed me the mark it left on her arm and I said, "that's nothing, my mom has a big one on her leg!" All the other girls lost it.

It took me a few years to figure out that the girls thought my dad had put a hickey on my mom's thigh!

Sunday, June 19, 2011

How Would YOU Answer the Miss USA Questions?

1. Should marijuana be legalized?


2. Should it be legal to burn the flag or Quran or Bible?


3. Should bullies be prosecuted?


4. What advise would you give polital wives whose spouses stray?

Don't pay attention to the media. Take the time to figure out what is best for you - no matter what anyone else thinks about the situation.

My Heart Dropped to My Knees Last Night

I came home from work last night throughly exhausted as usual. I shlepped my way to the elevator and pressed 8 and collapsed against the wall to rest until my ardous journey was over. The elevator had just started when the fire alarm went off.

Of course alarm bells started sounding in my head at the same time. What was the elevator going to do? I knew that it normally locks down when there is an alarm but I didn't know what would happen if it was already in service.

It stopped.

Not on the 8th. floor either.

The door did not open when it stopped.

For a brief moment I had to wonder what my fate would be. I envisioned myself in a smoke filled elevator choking and gasping for air. (I'm on oxygen for those of you who don't know although I usually don't need it during the day. I can really feel it when the air is not circulating around me)

I told myself not to panic. The normal Pam would have never worried about the predicament she was in, but the oxygen deprived Pam has to consider these kinds of situations as a class one emergency.

I stood there looking at the buttons and trying to decide if I needed to call 911 when the elevator started going back down. The doors opened and I was safely deposited on the ground floor.

I was so relieved.

I should have known there was a safety mechanism but for a brief time I really wasn't able to think rationally. I should have known the firemen were coming anyway and they HAVE to use the elevators to get to any fire in the building anyway. (they have a key to override the stop)