Saturday, July 16, 2011

I am the queen of front one

I was carding a kid last night for cigarettes and he actually looked at me and said, "I don't need ID, I am the king!"

My reply was, "well king, you're dealing with the queen! Now whip out that ID!"

He laughed and promptly produced it with no problem. At least there was a little humor in the transaction.

When you hear a customer's music blaring from their car stereo before they even come in the store, it is a guaranteed blunt sale.

customer: I'll have a single.

cashier: We don't have marrieds, however we do sell family packs!

(for those of you who don't know, a blunt cigar is referred to as a single)

customer: Do you sell blunt wraps?

cashier: No, our blunts don't get cold!

Unfortunately we now sell blunt wraps so I can't use that line anymore.

customer: I'll take 2 marlboro in a box.

cashier: do you want me to take the other 18 out?

For those of you who don't know there are 20 cigarettes in a pack.

This freaks them out everytime I do this: A customer hands me a $50 and asks, "can you break this?"

"Yes," I say, and then I rip it in half!

Most of them kind of choke on the spot. I just tape it up and give them their change.

Dumb customer questions: When you get the Sunday Paper?

Smart cashier answer: "uhh, Sunday."

Dumbest customer question ever: Where does your milk come from?

The only correct answer: "a cow."

Rollin' in the Dough

One time somebody paid my dad for a car with 2000 brand new one dollar bills.
He brought them home because he wanted them messed up so he could count them.
He hollered for me, Billy and Rhonda and when we walked into the bedroom he threw them all in the air and told us to have fun.
We had a first class money wrestling match!
We were literally rollin' in the dough that day.

posted for Selavi63

Blog Entry Jun 24, '11 11:18 PM
for SeLaVi's network

They really did have a monkey on their back!

These are pictures of greyhounds with monkeys acting as jockeys. This is how they used to race in the 1930's. When I first started working at the track they told me about this and I thought they were lying. They weren't. About a week later the track played a feature film documentary (they used to play something everyday before the races on the monitors) which showed actual movie reels with the footage of these races.

The practice was stopped because a lot of monkeys were killed when the greyhounds would fall and/or collide on the track. It seems the monkeys were tied on top of the greyhounds. This also increased the injury rate for the greyhounds as well.

I knew some very old dogmen who claimed to have actually seen some of these races. They claimed they were very funny because the monkeys would actually fight each other while the dogs were running around the track. Some of the monkeys would reach over and bite the other dogs and pull their ears and tails during the races too. This led to more wrecks and injuries on the track.

I have also found some footage in my videotape collection from a National Geographic special. I am working on getting it transfered to DVD so I can post it on here.

One time a man told me...

"all I want is five minutes of your time!"

I told him, "if all you want is five minutes - then you're not worth my time!"

Friday, July 15, 2011

So much for my inaugural swim this year

I finally made it to the pool. After a month of healing for my broken toes I just couldn't drag myself to the pool and put up with all those rambunctious kids jumping on my head! Then I heard about the little used Vandalia pool.

Ahhh....I thought to myself... a little used public pool...peace and quiet.

It took some searching but I found it. It was in the "south hills" area of Charleston which is notorious for getting even the most die hard Charlestonians lost!

Today I went.

I was there for about 10 minutes.

There were only 2 families there when I arrived. "Just lovely," I thought to myself again (but who else would I be thinking to - such an odd expression)

I noticed that everybody was out of the pool and a little girl asked me as she was climbing out of the pool, "who puked in the pool, anyway?"

"I didn't know there was a problem," I said as I looked around and saw everyone packing their stuff as the life guards were skimming the water and pouring a whole gallon of treatment in it.

So I climbed out of the water.

I listened a a mother chastized her child for eating cookies and then promptly getting back into the pool. God forbid that she would have made the child mind and wait a few minutes before getting back in the water after eating. It was much better to allow the child to do as she pleased and have the WHOLE DAMN POOL SHUT DOWN!

People wonder why other people don't want to go around kids.

I left. I decided to roll the dice and go to my old, faithful pool, hoping that it was late enough in the year for the kids to be a little bored with the pool and not be swimming.

Thankfully it was so. I got to float around for an hour or so before the pool closed.


1. I've come to realize that writing this blog is quite cathartic.

2. I've come to realize that I see many of the events of my life in quite a different light after I write about them and reread them at a later date.

3. I've come to realize that I spent my life blaming my brother for the demise of my family when I should have been blaming my parents - they were the parents afterall. What a weight for a child to bear.

4. I've come to realize that the person who spent my childhood teaching me that I was responsible for ALL my own actions (even when I was a small child) has never taken responsiblity for anything that went wrong in her life - everything has always been somebody elses fault (according to her)

5. I've come to realize that most people are hypocrits and will lie to save a nickel anytime they can.

6. I've come to realize that most people have not had nearly as much fun in their lives as I have.

7. I've come to realize that I can cheat on my diet all I want but my body keeps perfect score.

8. I've come to realize that I'm NOT the one.

9. I've come to realize that the only person who cares about me is me.

10. I've come to realize that everything in my world (both good and bad) is a result of my own actions.

11. I've come to realize that I have no self discipline anymore.

12. I've come to realize that all that self discipline that I used to have got me NOTHING.

13. I've come to realize that the times I have done best in my life had nothing to do with the economy - it was due to my own hard work.

14. I've come to realize that I would be a nudist if it were legal.

15. I've come to realize that all the charity I gave out in my life has not come back to me in kind - unless you count the US government.

16. I've come to realize that I have a sucky family.

17. I've come to realize that suppressing my emotions doesn't make the problems go away.

18. I've come to realize I am getting stronger every day.

19. I've come to realize that I STILL don't care what other people think about me.

20. I've come to realize that I have written many things in this blog that I wouldn't have written if I hadn't thought I was dying - oh well, I'll leave 'em anyway.