Saturday, May 22, 2010

"I'll Pay the Ticket"

One time my dad and I got in a car at the Gallipolis Auto Auction in Gallipolis, Ohio. He told me he was in a hurry to get home and to get us there as fast as I could. Normally this would be a 2 hour drive, but I looked at him and said, "What if I get a ticket?"

He said, "I'll pay the ticket!". Well that's all I needed to hear. I took off like a bat out of hell for Logan, WV. We arrived on our doorstep exactly 1 hour later! (this was BEFORE Corridor G was finished too!)

I figured it out later. To get home in one hour I had to average around 100 mph! No small feat driving country roads in West Virginia.


husband = wife

anne = george

Friday, May 21, 2010

OK, I Admit It!

I won the orgasm contest when I went to a Chip n Dale's Show a few years ago. At the time I was mortified. They called me and 2 other women to the front for a "contest". I eagerly went up. Then they said moan like your having an orgasm! The best one wins (the audience voted). I won.

They must have liked something about me. They kept giving me free drinks. I tricked them though. I only went in there with 20 dollars. (that included admission) I knew that I couldn't control my spending once I had a few drinks so I left my money at home. I didn't factor in them giving me free drinks. I lost count of the vodka sours that I had. One of the dancers came out and made out with me in the audience. He looked like "John" on "One Life to Live".

I guess they liked my enthusiasm!

That was also the last time that I ever drove drunk. I am lucky I made it home alive and didn't kill anybody. I remember driving home (barely). What I do remember quite well is being on my balcony and bouncing from the rail to the side of the house while trying to look at the moon. (The balcony was 10 or 15 foot wide!)

Not my proudest moment, and it was 10 years ago, so don't waste your time and mine scolding me!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Lee VS. Crystal

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Here's Why I Only Swim In Public Pools Now

This happened 3 years ago. It was the first time I had gone swimming after my heart failure. I didn't realize just how weak I was. Looking back at it now though it is quite funny.

Let me tell you about my Memorial Day Fiasco! First of all I went to a KFC picnic at Fruth. It was fun. Then I decided to go swimming. I drove to the local public pool which is at the top of a very steep mountain. About 3/4 the way up there were these kids sitting there in the 90 degree heat looking like they were going to have a heat stroke. I stopped and motioned them into the back of my truck. I gave them a ride to the pool and dropped them off. I left because the pool was jammed packed with wall to wall people. Anyway picking up those kids was my good deed for the day. I try to do one every day.

Then I decided to drive to Coal River to one of the local swimming holes. I stopped along the way and bought a couple of noodles and a cold water. I got to the river and there were people swimming and kayaking and just having a good time in general. I waded out into the water with my noodles and got picked up by the current. I realized immediately that I was in a bit of a pickle because the current was sweeping me away and the further I went the further I had to go to get back to my truck. Those 2 $1 noodles probably saved my life.

I finally made it to the riverbank but then I had to figure out how to get back to my truck. The bank was too steep and overgrown with brush to climb and the mud was so deep that I was sinking to my knees with each step. So I had to wade back out into the current and walk back. I had to make sure I kept my balance so I wouldn't be swept away again plus the bottom was covered with algae and sharp rocks. I also had to watch each step because there was debris which could cut my feet (not to mention that I had to avoid any area where I thought a snapping turtle might be) To top things off I had to rest about every 10 or 20 steps because I would get tired just walking though Walmart. The last thing I needed was to get myself in a position where I needed to use my oxygen - which by the way I had to put on when I finally did make it to my truck.

As usual I had to learn the hard way that I can't have that much fun anymore. At least now I can look back and laugh and pretend that I had a good holiday! Remember at the end, life is about memory and experience because you can't take it with you.

Funny Memories of Taking Care of Daddy

It was one of the hardest times of my life. It was also one of the best because you do your best to treasure every moment.

I remember the time my dad and I were in the elevator at the hospital just for routine appointments. Some man stepped onto the elevator and my dad asked him how he was doing just to be polite - something rare for my dad. The man told him he thought he was having a bad day until he saw my dad. Now he knew just how good his day was. My dad just laughed and so did I. I told him "see Daddy, you never knew you could make someones day just by the mere sight of you."

One time we were at a hotel. I had taken him there because it was summer and our air conditioning had broken down at the house. I was wheeling him through the hallway and a woman with 3 small children passed by. They, of course, were staring as small children do when they see a sick person. As they went by I heard the smallest of them exclaim "whoa" in a small voice in an incredulous tone. The sight of daddy was amazing with all the tubes and bandages it took just to function in a normal day. Even a 3 year old could see it.

One time we were at Shoney's Restaurant. Daddy loved Shoney's. We were sitting there enjoying a quiet dinner when a man going by in an electric wheelchair ran into daddy's wheelchair and the 2 chairs became entangled. The man in the electric wheelchair kept backing up and moving forward trying to get the chairs loose. The jarring effect was rocking daddy's world. I had to jump up and make the other man stop shaking the chairs and lift them apart myself. When it was all over all daddy said was that he wished he had one of those chairs. (He got one later and it did change his life) It was really funny. (apparently my writing skill can't relay how funny it was to see those two wheelchairs locked together - oh well)

The best story is the time my dad was out riding in the electric chair. I had warned him several times to stay off the hill in the yard because he would tip over. One day he came back in and started berating me wanting to know where I had been. (I was working on the other side of the house). Apparently he had tried to go up the hill and turned over and he couldn't get back in the chair because his pants kept falling down. He only had one leg. He said every time he would stand up after turning the chair right side up his pants would fall down and when he would bend over to pick up his pants(He didn't wear underwear because he had a catheter.) The chair would fall over again. This happened several times before he was able to get everything together and get back on the chair. I thought it was funny when he was telling me but he was so mad that I was able to hold back my laughter. When he was telling my uncle about it my uncle was laughing so hard he could hardly stand up. So of course then I lost it and started laughing too and daddy finally saw the humor in the situation and laughed too. He never went up that hill again.

Funny how the little things are what we remember later.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

I Like Driving Through Rainbows

When you grow up in the mountains you never get to see the end of the rainbow. It is always on the other side of the mountain. When you are in Florida (where it is flat) you can drive right through the bottom of the rainbow. I used to get a thrill everytime I did it.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

I'm going to sell my hair

I just watched the Chris Rock movie "Good Hair". It seems there is a market for long, blonde, virgin hair. Something which I posess. I went to one website and similiar hair (not as pretty in my opinion) sold for between $500 and $1,000.

If I can get that kind of money then consider me BALD!