Saturday, November 20, 2010

Any Suggestions for a Good Thanksgiving Movie?

I always watch Planes, Trains and Automobiles but it would be nice to find another one to watch on DVD.

This week I had slim pickens in the movie department. I've been looking for a good comedy. They are hard to find.

1. Pirate Radio sucked

2. Are We Done Yet? another disappointing sequal

3. Date Night I kept wanting to like it.

4. Bad Biology (I'm watching it tonight)

5. Troy This is the movie I finally fell in love with Brad Pitt.

6. Red Dawn AGAIN

7. The Descent Part 2 Can't wait to see the next rescue party get shredded! Actually the parts where they get stuck in the cave scare me worse than the monsters do. It is a direct hit on my claustrophobia.

The Gay Bigfoot and 7 Other Weird Mythical Creatures


MY Amputee Santa

I have an amputee Santa! I am thrilled!

Last night when I was getting ready to leave work I happened to see in the damaged box an Amuptee Santa. I was so happy, I started to laugh and go on. My boss and my friends started to choke back their laughter because they thought I was nuts!

They didn't realize until I explained, my dad was an amputee. They saw how much that Santa meant to me so my boss gave it to me. (It was in the damaged bin because they were going to throw it away) So I have saved yet another "toy" from the "Island of Misfit Toys".

My Amputee Santa may possibly be my new favorite Christmas decoration. (of course, that could easily change when I start to unpack all that stuff) But for now, he is much loved and will have a place of honor amongst my Christmas ornamentation.

Friday, November 19, 2010

The Last Time I Was EVER on a Swinging Bridge

When I was a kid there used to be swinging bridges all over Southern West Virginia. Most of them were in disrepair from nonuse and have since been torn down. The ones left are mostly preserved as a part of our history.

I used to love to visit my cousin's house. Toni and Bunky and Little Man were the same ages as we were and we loved to play. Toni and Bunky and I loved to do cheers and they loved to "go walkin" through the camp. Of course we always had to ask permission before we left and the last thing our moms would say was "stay off the swinging bridge". Of course that was where we always ended up.

That bridge was nothing but dangerous. It was at least 50 feet long and it was suspended about 20 feet over a trickle of a creek. What boards were left were rotted and broken and just plain old mostly gone. You had to step carefully and hold on to the cables that suspended the bridge to get across it.

One day Toni and Bunky caught me in the middle while one of them was on each end. We always thought it was fun to swing the bridge on people(which made it incredibly hard to get across). This time they were particularly violent. They were swinging both sides of the cables so wildly that it was like being in the middle of a double dutch jump rope! This was with nothing beneath me. I literally had to hug the wires to hold on for my life. I was petrified.

When they finally stopped I was so scared that I could not move either way on the bridge. I was sure that the second that I moved they would just start swinging the cables again.(and they probably would have) They spent so long trying to talk me down that our moms came to find us. They were horrified to find me suspended over that creek unable to move in any direction. (they couldn't come get me because the bridge would never have held the weight of an adult!) Finally they talked me off the bridge.

To add insult to injury my cousins denied their part in stranding me on the bridge. In fact they told our mothers that they warned me NOT to get on it. When I made it safely off the bridge I got my ass busted all the way back to my aunt's house. THAT was the last time I was ever on a swinging bridge.

My Favorite Turkey Baking Tip

I learned this from Bobby, my ex. One year, when my foot had been run over and I was confined to bed, I couldn't cook our Thanksgiving dinner. So Bobby did it. I went into the kitchen just in time to see him putting the turkey in the oven upside down. I started laughing and told him that he would have to turn it over. He refused, insisting that he always cooked a turkey that way. It turns out he was right.

About halfway through the cooking process (when the skin on the bottom starts to brown) you flip the turkey over. Then you finish cooking it. It comes out golden brown (on both sides) and the breast meat is NEVER dry! I don't even use aluminum foil over it anymore. I have a perfect turkey everytime.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

"Is this the right size for a nosebleed?"

That's what my ex-husband asked two old ladies at the checkout counter one time when he was buying tampons for me back in the 80's.

I thought they were going to choke to death from repressed giggles.

"Hey Pam, you wanna play with my nuts?"

He asked me this once in a crowd of people while leaving a movie theatre. I was horrified until I looked down to see that he had 3 walnuts in his hand. I couldn't help but burst out laughing even though I knew that everyone around me had heard the question but they could not see the nuts.


This story is funny, NOW, in a very perverted kind of way, but when it happened I went through the roof!

It was always my tradition when I was training dogs to invite anyone who was without family to my home for Thanksgiving (and any holiday for that matter). In the dog business there is a lot of traveling from track to track and many people who just can't get home for the holidays. I was always glad to do this - except for this one time!

It was the night before Thanksgiving and I had invited everyone to my house as usual. I was working at the track picking up dogs. I had picked up one of my dogs and I went to the water hose to hose him down when I was greeted by one of the most disgusting sights that I have ever seen in my life!

Standing in front of me, hosing his dog down was "Bear" (nickname). Bear was drunk. Not only was he drunk, he was sloppy, staggering drunk! He turned to hand me the water hose and I was greeted with the sight of his penis! Not only was it hanging out of his pants but he was actually relieving himself at same time he was turning around! I of course let out a scream of rage and fury so loud that I believe that entire compound heard me! Bear, in his drunken stupor started to apologize profusely and I guess in his mind he tried to turn away from me which only gave me a lovely profile view of him relieving himself.

I lost it! I threw one screaming, ranting fit that sent everybody scurrying in every direction once they saw what the problem was. Thankfully Bear was escorted away and someone else started to pick up his dogs for him. I could not believe that someone who was supposed to be at my home for Thanksgiving the next day was treating me with such disrespect! Thankfully he did not show the next day. Not only did he not show, but no one ever saw him at the track again.

The running joke for a week was that Bobby, my husband, had killed him and left him in a ditch somewhere. Bobby just laughed at the whole situation because he knew that I was quite capable of fighting my own battles. A couple of weeks later we found out that Bear had gone home to a track in Massachusetts. No one ever saw his face at West Palm ever again.