Saturday, June 23, 2012

Poetry, "Daddy Style"

One bright day in the middle of the night.

Two dead men got up to fight.

Back to back they faced each other.

Pulled their guns and shot each other.

If you don't believe this story is true.

Go as the Blind man he saw it too.

HAHA My dad used to recite that all the time when I was a kid. I forgot all about it. My aunt Mary just left it on my facebook page.

The Logan County Pound Ran Into an Animal Hoarder This Week.... know things are desperate when they start putting animals into cages on boxes and stuff. Wherever they can squeeze them in. Call 304-752-1876

Friday, June 22, 2012

The Last Time I Drove Drunk

Yes, I was young and dumb! Now on with the story.

I went to see Chip N Dales, a male strip show. I was supposed to go with a bunch of girlfriends but they all canceled. I went anyway by myself. I took $30 dollars because I knew I would probably get silly with the dollar bills and I didn't want to go overboard on my budget.

I went in and ordered a drink. Then I had another drink. I intended to stop there but every time I turned around they were bringing me another drink and I didn't have to pay for them! At some point they pulled me up front with 2 other women. I was pleased that I was picked until I found out why. They were having an ORGASM contest! Whoever simulated the best orgasm won...I won.

Then on with the show. I was having the time of my life. The dancers were dancing and stripping all over and around me. The drinks kept coming and they were free. I know I wasn't paying for them because that $30 sure went fast!

Then the show was over. I remember driving home. It was only about 2 miles. It seems to me that I did fine but there is no way that could have been. Here is how I know.

I remember going out on the back porch when I got home to look at the full moon. I remember bouncing from the railing of the porch to the wall of the house and back again as I staggered around trying to look up at the moon! That porch was about 20 foot wide. It was no small porch.

When I sobered up and remembered what I had done I was mortified.

I never drove drunk again. That was in 1997.

I got to See Landau the other night!

He was as good as everybody told me he would be. I was not disappointed. He sang mostly Sinatra and had his band set up Sinatra style. All the musicians are West Virgina boys who travel with Landau all over the country now. He has not forgotten from whence he came.

There was a lot of interaction with the audience. He told stories from his childhood and stories about how life has changed since he got famous. I had to smile because his every gesture said, "I am a good ole boy from Logan, WV." You can take the man out of the country but...

He introduced a boy named Elijah Adams. Elijah came out and sang a song with him. Landau said he was his biggest fan and he said that since he had won America's Got Talent it gave him the platform to feature talent from "out of a holler that nobody would see otherwise.".

His wife is his back-up singer and she is a talent unto herself. Even though he sang mostly standards he also sang a couple of hip-hop songs and rock. The standards are his strong point with that deep, smooth Sinatraesque voice. I thought his hip-hop just sounded like Sinatra singing hip-hop.

I enjoyed it immensely. I am still recovering. We had to park over a block away and ya'll know what problems that brings me. I won't go into it. We had a great view from the highest nosebleed seats in the place but Landau even turned up the lights a couple of times and acknowledged us little people too.

I had been talking about going for weeks but I thought it was going to be a free concert on the levy. Eddie called me one evening and told me it was going to be at the Clay Center. I was so disappointed because I knew I couldn't go because it would cost too much. Then he surprised me by asking if I wanted to go. I told him, "of course I do but I can't and you know that."

He said, "I didn't ask if you had any money, I asked if you wanted to go."
So, I reluctantly admitted that I did. He told me to call and get the tickets and he would pay for them. I called and the cheapest tickets were $38 and he thought they were $25. I called him back and told him and told him I understood that was too much to pay. He agreed and said it was too much.

Then I called him back and I told him if he would pay the original $50 I would pay the other $26. He agreed and we got to go. It was great fun!

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

She's so SPECIAL!

I Was a Terror on the Playground

I wasn't really a bully. I was an avenger. First my brother was always getting into trouble with the other kids. I would have to defend him. NO ONE had the nerve to stand up to me. My status as the hardest shin kicker on the playground was legendary and if all else failed my famous windmill fighting style was more than anybody could defend.

Time after time I would catch somebody (usually multiple boys) going after my brother. Usually getting even for whatever my brother had done to them but I couldn't allow an unfair fight against him, so I would jump to his defense every time. Every time that is until the 5th. grade. That is when I caught Todd, George, Paul and Greg jumping my brother. This time Todd and George held my arms and asked me, "don't you think he deserves it?" As Paul and Greg were beating on Billy.

I looked at them and said, "you know what? He does." With that, they let me go and I walked off and never defended him again. He needed to learn not to antagonize the other kids and me defending him all the time was not helping him.

My legendary status as a fighter followed me all the way through High School though. I think it had a lot to do with the fact that I never had a date in high school. Could have been all the pimples though. Could have just been my bookworm personality. I remember a couple of crushes which were reciprocated but I never had the nerve to follow through.

We Have a 100% Success Rate at Catching Robbers

I was at front one (my register) when Anna comes running up and says, "Call Kirk, we're getting robbed!"

I was astounded and said, "What!?"

She said, "We're getting robbed - with a gun and everything back at pharmacy!"

I said, "Fuc% Kirk, I'm calling the police!"

I picked up the phone to call 911 and I had a momentary lapse. I kept wanting to hit the intercom button. I told myself to calm down and to remember to dial 9 to get out which means I have to dial 9911. In the meantime I am distracted by the man in front of me and I tell him to leave because we are getting robbed. He tells me his wife is in the back and I tell him again to get out of the store; we are getting robbed! Then I look up to see a woman with a toddler. I point and Anna runs to them and tells them to get out! They don't listen either. In their defense it is rather hard to process the sentences " We are getting robbed! Get out!" You kinda go into shock when you hear it.

I dial 9911 and it seems to ring forever. Just when the operator says, "911, what is your emergency," the two robbers round the corner coming from the pharmacy and the second one has a basket of pills (oxycontin) and a gun waving around. I think, "oh fuc%, they're going to kill you," as my mouth opens and I just stand there gasping for words. I couldn't answer the operator because then they would know I was calling in their robbery! The operator just keeps repeating herself over and over. I did the only thing I could think to do. I ducked behind the counter - hoping that they wouldn't turn around and shoot me on their way out the door. Thankfully they didn't.

As soon as they are outside I start to tell the operator we are being robbed and our location. I start to give a description of the robbers and the operator asks me, "with a gun?"

"Yes," I yelled, "with a gun!" After I give her a brief description I tell her to hold on I need to go to the door and see what kind of car they are getting in. I run outside and I see customers looking in the direction of the bank. "Of course that's where they're at," I think because that is where the shoplifters always park. I guess they all think we won't be able to figure out where they are. I look at their car and I run back in and I give the operator a description of it including the fact that is is covered with coal dust, black mud and no tags.

She asks what direction they went in and just then a customer runs in and tells me the direction! So I pass along the information. About 10 minutes later we get word that they have been caught. Apparently a couple of our customers got in their car and followed them and got on the phone to 911. They were caught within a mile of the store!

Unfortunately I ended up on oxygen in the office (due to my heart condition). I came home early and I am trying to calm myself down so I don't end up in the hospital tonight. I believe I'm succeeding. I think maybe it might be time to quit working. I have had to deal with 2 groups of nasty shoplifters in the past couple of weeks and now a robbery. We will see.

Here's what happened after the robbery. I had to go to the doctor a week later and get on antianxiety meds. I took them for about 3 months. I was still so scared a week later that I was shaking and crying all the time...not to mention what it was doing to my heart.

It turned out the robbers were actually a ring of 3...2 men and a woman. (I believe the woman and one of the men were mother and son) They had been robbing different banks and pharmacies in different combinations (2 men or woman and different man) to throw the police off their trail.

When they left the pharmacy one of our customers saw them leaving and followed them while calling 911. When they ditched their car a mile away the police knew exactly where they were (downtown Charleston). Because of this man they were caught. They are all in prison now and the soonest any of them will get out is 2020.

Moral of the story: Don't rob our Fruth. We have a 100% success rate at catching our robbers. Of Course that is the only time we were ever robbed...Thank God.

Monday, June 18, 2012

"Hey Pam, You Wanna Come Wipe My Butt?"

What a humiliating question. Now let me put it in context. It is funny to me now and at the time I was actually happy to accommodate.

I started taking care of my dad in February 2002. When I took him home they had given him around 10 days to live and he was pretty much out of his mind from a combination of drugs and sepsis. He had his leg amputated the month before (a procedure which saved his life), but due to the severity of the infection and the massive amounts of pain killers and mood altering drugs he had been on, the doctors did not know if he would ever regain his mental capacity.

The first time I saw him naked was highly traumatizing for me. He was my dad after all. Unfortunately I had to get used to it because he would sit in his hospital bed with nothing more than his pajama top on and a smile. When the nurses would point out that I was his daughter he would be mortified that he was in such a state in front of me but within minutes he would be uncovered again as he became unaware of his surroundings. It was sad but it was also comical to watch his mind teeter back and forth.

Anyway he reached a point where I could take him home. It was like taking care of a 155 pound baby. I had to do everything for him. He gradually became strong enough to go to the toilet with the assistance of several pieces of medical equipment. He was still unable to wipe his bottom, which of course meant I had to do it.

I would leave him for privacy's sake and he would holler for me when he was ready for help. I would hear, "Hey Pam, you wanna come wipe my butt?" I would cringe but I would go do it. After about a month of hearing those words, I could stand it no more.

I went into the bathroom and I said, "Daddy, I want to ask you a favor."

"What?" My sweet little daddy looked up at me and asked.

"You know I will always do this as long as this is necessary," I said as I went about administering to his needs. "But I need you to rephrase the question, do you wanna come wipe my butt. I absolutely do NOT want to wipe your butt, but I will because it needs done and you can't do it."

He started to laugh and said, "I see your point."

From that day forward he would yell, "Hey Pam, would you come in here for a minute?" Of course it meant the same thing, but it made me feel so much better about the situation.