Saturday, September 25, 2010

Never Wear a Dress on Top the Empire State Building

I've only been to New York City one time and I loved it I would have never imagined that this small town girl with a fear of the big cities of Huntington and Charleston West Virginia would love New York, but I did. I have always sworn I would go back but you know how it is, you make plans and life gets in the way.

My Aunt Wanda took me for a graduation present when I was 17 years old. We rode on on the train from Delaware and as soon as we got off in Grand Central Station I was dazzled by all the action. The first thing I saw was a woman sitting on a trash can singing opera. I was completely amused by this and didn't take but a couple more steps when a man walked up to me with his hand held out, saying, "put some money in the wine pot. put some money in the wine pot." I burst out laughing and my aunt grabbed me by the arm and dragged me away admonishing me at the same time, "I told you not to talk to anybody!"

I quickly learned not to amble across the street in the usual Logan County fashion. Once the light turns there all those cabs and traffic will run over you in a heartbeat! They don't wait for you to get out of the way - they move you!

We spent the entire day sightseeing with the day ending at a Broadway Play, "A Romantic Comedy". It was supposed to star Mia Farrow and Anthony Perkins but Mia wasn't there that day. Then there was the scene where Anthony Perkins came out with only a suitcase to block his private parts and to top it off turned backwards so that I could see his balls hanging between his legs. A sight I had never seen and caused my aunt to grab her chest and exclaim, "oh my gawd, if I had known this I would have never bought you!"

My Aunt Robin was with us. She is only a year older than me. Robin and I were allowed to roam Central Park alone. It was full of joggers and rollerskaters (1980) and was completely crowded with people enjoying nature in the middle of NYC. My crazy aunt actually took on what she thought was a gang coming towards us. She started running her big mouth on them about how tough they thought the were and taunting them so much that I was afraid they would kill us. They probably would have but luckily they were the Guardian Angels (red berets) and strolled on doing their good works and ignoring yet another stupid tourist.

I rode the subway and then we went to the Empire State Building. We went to the top and immediately, as soon as I stepped out the door, my dress flew over my head. I could not hold it down. It was a completely embarrassing moment for a 17 year old and to top it off when we stopped in the deli at the bottom of the building we sat next to a booth full of guys who were laughing about how they had spent the day watching women's skirts fly over their heads.

I saw Chinatown and some man was selling flyers about divorce and marriage on the corner. He had crazy signs all over him and I had to buy a flyer for a souvenier. The Statue of Liberty was closed for repairs. We went on one of those glass topped tour busses and as we went in front of the UN building the wind was blowing so strong the building actually looked like it was falling on top of us! The tour guide explained that the building was constructed that way so that it could handle the strong winds.

It was an action packed day and I'll never forget stepping out of Grand Central Station and looking up to see buildings so high that they actually looked like they touched each other and I couldn't see the sky!

Thursday, September 23, 2010


I bought a $400 piece of junk truck from my brother one time. He told me over and over not to buy it, saying it wasn't worth the trouble, but I just had to have it. It, of course, immediately started to give me trouble.

A few days after I bought it I parked it at the top of the hill at my house so I could kick start it if I had to because I had been having trouble starting it. I got out and walked about 10 steps when I heard a loud pop! I hear banging and clanging behind me and I turned around just in time to jump out of the way before I was run over. The truck careened down the hill and plowed into a bank! The front wheels were in a drainage ditch that was nothing but mud. I had started laughing when I jumped out the the way but when I saw where the truck was stuck I started to cuss because I just knew that I wouldn't be able to get it out of that ditch! I walked over and got in the truck. It started right up and I backed it out! It was the easiest time I had starting it since I had bought it. I just shook my head and went in the house.

The next day I was driving down a mountain in the middle of a kiss my ass turn(that is a turn so sharp that you are kissing your own ass while you make it!). I went to apply the brake and nothing! If you want to feel your heart sink and to genuinely panic then just drive down a mountain in rural West Virginia with no brakes! I careened down the mountain pumping the brakes and there wasn't the least bit of tension in them. I was trying to downshift with no success and using every inch of road to make it down the hill. Thank God nobody was coming in the other direction because we both would have been dead.

When I got to the foot of the mountain the brake decided it would work. I pulled off on the side of the road and promptly had a good cry. I took the truck back to my brother and he had a good time saying "I TOLD YOU SO!"

The Boogie Board

In our many trips to Summersville I only tried to ski once. I failed miserably.
Another time my dad had got his hands on a boogie board. A boogie board is like a half surf board. He was pulling me along and I don't know what happened but the boogie board went underwater. It didn't go just a little bit under, it kept going deeper and deeper. I kept going under until I realized if I didn't let go I was going to be pulled under to the full extent of the rope that was pulling the boogie board. I don't know how long the rope was but I would say it was at least 100 feet. All I know is I was looking at the surface of the water from way down underneath the lake and the bottom of the boat.
I bolted to the surface in a panic. I never used the boogie board again.

fatty catty LOVES to be vacuumed

I was vacuuming the house the other day. I wanted to do fatty catty's chair but she wouldn't get up. I got tired of waiting and begging her to no avail (she is arthritic and I don't ever move her) so I started to run the vacuum cleaner around her thinking she would get irritated and get out of my way.

Boy was I wrong.

She loved it. She started to hug it and pet it and roll all over it. Finally instead of trying not to touch her I started to vacuum her all over with the hose attachment. She was a happy camper. Someone had loaned me the vacuum cleaner. I am now going to buy one for Christmas with my Christmas bonus. It will save me much money and time and effort in the battle to clean up cat hair.

petty warfare at lee terrace

I usually stay out of these things but 3 factors led to my participation in the petty drama that is always happening around here.

1. muscle relaxers: if I hadn't been taking them I would have never spoken to Patsy (known troublemaker) in the first place.

2. Patsy was deliberately abusive to my mommy squirrel for no reason (which I kept my mouth shut about that because I was in too much pain to play champion for tiny animals yesterday)

3. Don't ever pick on an 88 year old lady in front of me - EVER - that put me over the edge.

Here's the story:

I was feeding my squirrels. Patsy came by on her walker and decided to talk to me. A walker she does not need for any reason but to milk the system. I was polite even though I try to avoid her 98% of the time. Then Lillian (88 year old woman) comes over. Patsy and Lillian are at war because Lillian loaned her $20 and Patsy never paid her back. This is, however, not my concern and I just hoped for peace when Lillian sat down. (Lillian and I are friends)

Everything was fine. They were ignoring each other and there was peace in the valley of the squirrels. Then Patsy started stomping her feet and yelling at my mommy squirrel . I kept my mouth shut. After a few times of her running my squirrel off, Lillian said something to Patsy about it. I didn't hear what she said though.

Patsy lit into Lillian with a viciousness and venom that made me mad but I still kept my mouth shut. She proceeded to cuss and threaten to kick Lillian's ass. Once the threats started I looked at Patsy and said, "It takes a might big woman to threaten a 88 year old lady." Patsy ignored me.

Patsy keeps cussing and threatening Lillian. Once again I say, "it takes a mighty big woman to threaten an 88 year old." Patsy starts to yell at me and tell me I don't know what Lillian has said about her and to keep out of it. The whole time this is going on Lillian is not saying a word. I really think she was having a senior moment but I am not sure about that. Lillian does have alzhiemers and I try to look out for her as best I can as do many people in the building.

Then Patsy and I start to argue. Exchanging the usual "bitch" and "whore" epitaphs that woman generally fling at each other in an arguement. While Patsy was in a complete rage, I was laughing at her and thoroughly enjoying the sucker that she had given me earlier. Then Patsy said something about reputations.

I told her that people knew her reputation and people knew Lillian's. Patsy replied, "I have no reputation."

I said, "yes, you do. You are known for taking anything from anybody you can get it from." There are many stories (I have a few personally as well) of Patsy taking advantage of people in the building. I guess the truth hurts because she went ballistic on me. Screaming and yelling and walking off and coming back. In the meantime once she walked off Lillian and I were just sitting and enjoying the squirrels without another mention of Patsy.

Then out of the blue Lillian looks and me and says, "That woman thinks she's tough. She thinks because she is big and fat that people are scared of her. She doesn't know it but I know karate."

I lost it. I started to cackle uproariously with laughter. The picture of little, old, kung fu Lillian doing battle with Patsy was too much for me to bear.

I am still laughing this morning.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

It took me 3 days to do this

It is the hardest Sudoku that I have ever completed. The reason I had 3 days to lay around and do it is because I fell. I guess it is an even bigger accomplishment considering the fact that I am now on muscle relaxers and my brain is in a complete fog.

Camping in Summersville

Those weekends camping trips were great. Occasionally My mom and us kids would get to go up for a week or 10 days while my dad would go back home to work. It was great. We would have wienie roasts and toasts marshmallows. We would swim and ride our bikes to our hearts content. Daddy made sure we had bamboo fishing poles and we were allowed to go fishing anytime we wanted. We were free to roam the whole campground as we wished and we spent may hours gathering firewood for our evening fire. The only thing my parents were strict about was that we had to wear those horrible orange life vests when we went swimming which actually pretty lenient when you consider the fact that my mom couldn't swim.

One time we went to Summersville in the fall after they had drained the lake. I saw why we had to wear those lifevests. That lake was hundreds of feet deep. I'll never forget standing at that boat dock and looking deep into the valley at what was basically a puddle of water at the foot of the mountain. It is an amazing sight! I can remember swimming in the middle of the lake one day. I had a scuba mask with me. I had a major panic attack when I looked into the deep, blue depths of the lake. It was truely a bottomless pit. I imagine it is the same feeling of panic that astronauts get when they look into the infinite reaches of space. I have NEVER wanted to scuba dive since!

One time we got caught in a hail storm. I can remember the hail pelting our bodies as we raced for the nearest shelter on our bikes. We loved to play in the rain but we had no idea how much pain those sharp, little, ice pellets would inflict on our bodies before we could get out of the storm.

In the beginning we would camped in a tent with air mattresses and sleeping bags. Those gawd awful air mattresses never held the air all night and we would wake up just as sore and unable to move as any old person ever was. But it was worth it. It was great fun.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Summersville KOA

When we were kids we would go to Summersville Lake every weekend. At first it was tent camping but later we had a boat and a camper. We would swim in the ice cold lake at every opportunity even though we were the only kids wearing those embarrassing orange life vests. They were great family camping trips where we did all the usual stuff that families do on camping trips.

There were 2 camp grounds, the main one and the KOA campground. The KOA quickly became our favorite even though it was on top of the mountain instead of lakeside. This was because it appealed to our daredevil natures.

There was a road that wound down the entire side of the mountain from the top to the marina on the lake. We would take our bikes and take off from the top and build up to supersonic speeds in a matter of seconds. It is indeed fortunate that we never hit a car on the way up the mountain because I guarantee you we could not have stopped for one! It was everything we could do to stop at the end of the parking lot after we had careened down the mountain at break neck speed! We couldn't even pedal we were going so fast. We just held our feet out to the side so the pedals wouldn't break our ankles. It was a good thing we were used to never using our breaks. I wondered why they even put them on bikes. We would always just jump off the bike at top speed and let it fall to the ground when we got to wherever we were going.

One time we found a bassett hound at the campground. We tried to find the owner but he never did show and the dog spent the entire weekend with us. We took him home. The next weekend we left the dog at the house and when we got back from camping he was gone and another dog and a cat were in his place. Somebody had actually traded them out when we weren't home.

It was bliss

Bobby and I spent that entire first week together if we weren't working. We had an incredible first date on the top of a mountain. The next day at work he sent me a dozen orange and yellow roses. He loved orange and I had mentioned that I liked yellow. I was floored. It was completely unexpected and I had never received roses before. My little, old lady coworkers were thrilled as well.

He asked me to go to Kings Island for the weekend. I didn't have to think too long about it before I said yes. I lied to my mom and told her I was staying with a friend and we took off on Friday and had a ball all weekend. We had matching t-shirts painted, we took an old fashioned tintype picture that hung in our house for years. People always thought it was our grandparents until I would point out that BOTH of them couldn't look like BOTH of us. I loved Kings Island more than I loved Disney World. The rides are much better.

When things got hot and heavy in the motel room for the first time between us the maid actually walked in on us. Apparently we had hung the "clean room" sign instead of the do not disturb sign. I was mortified. He thought it was hilarious.

We took our time driving home on Sunday. When he dropped me off he gave me a dime and told me, "that's in case you ever need to call me". (pay phones were a dime back then) I went into the house. My mom was waiting for me.

She went nuts. She demanded to know where I had been because she knew I was lying about being with my friend. I told her I had gone to Kings Island with Bobby. That didn't go over well at all. After an hour long lecture she told me to make a choice. I could stay there or I could go live with Bobby. I told her I would give up Bobby. I really didn't know if I would but it was 2 am by this time and I wanted to go to bed.

When she saw I wasn't going to leave she then lied to me. She told me, "while you were out "whoring around your dog was hit by a car." This got my attention.

When I asked how Skippy was she told me, "never mind. If you had been home you would have known. Go to bed."

I told her I had to check on Skippy and she told me,"if you go out that door then don't come back." I picked up my overnight bag that was still packed from the Kings Island trip and went outside. Skippy met me on the sidewalk, bouncing up and down like she always did which is how she got her name. She was fine.

I knew then that my mom had just wanted me out of the house. I had been kicked out 11 times that year. The first time by my dad. The other 10 by her. Usually they had forced me to come home using parental leverage but she would always make things so unbearable for me that I would have to go. Sometimes I would make it a few days and sometimes I would be gone in a few minutes. I was done.

I walked over to the store to use the payphone. I called Bobby. He came right over and picked me up even though he had to be at work at 6 am. That morning he was laid off. He told me we would be fine, not to worry about it.

We were. (for 13 years anyway I had a perfect marriage)