Saturday, August 14, 2010

Oh the Inhumanity of it all...

I am speaking about glue traps for mice. I think I am the only person in the world that cares that the poor mouse is stuck to the glue ALIVE. Stuck in that muck, unable to move for as long as it takes to die - which can take days by the way.

Unfortunately I tried to save a mouse from a glue trap once. This inadvertently caused on the of the most gruesome deaths in mouse history. I am haunted to this day by what ended in the murder of that poor little mouse.

I was working in a kennel with a mouse problem. (I have no problem with traditional traps by the way - they result in a quick death) My boss bought glue traps to catch the mice. He would take the traps with the mouse stuck to them and toss them in the dumpster - yes the little fellers were still alive and IMMOBILE.

SO I STARTED POURING VEGETABLE OIL ON THE TRAPS SO THEY WOULDN'T WORK . When my boss discovered this he thought it was hilarious, but he also warned me to never do it again or he would fire my ass!

One day I was alone in the kennel and I discovered a poor, little mouse stuck in a glue trap. I decided to try to free it. I took a little vegetable oil and I poured it around the mouse but it was embedded in the glue and this did not work. So I took a little stick and decided I would slowly wedge it under the mouse and free it. I put the stick under it's tiny little leg and SNAP!!!! I promplty broke it's leg in 2 pieces.

Now it was really suffering. It was splayed in the glue unable to move and I had just broken it's foreleg. The only thing I could do was to put it out of it's misery. I looked around and I couldn't see any way to kill it quickly. There was only one thing to do. I pushed it's little face into the glue and smothered it. It took a good minute for it to die.

What a horrible way to go.

Time to post my FAVORITE joke



Oh gawd, I think I'm so funny (by the way, I'm from WV so I am allowed to tell that joke.

I Qualified to be on "Millionaire" 7 Times

In my better days I qualified to be on "millionaire" 7 times! (this was when Regis was doing it and you had to call in and answer questions to qualify to get on) I was super charged up the first couple of times that I qualified thinking that I would get the call back, but I never did.

It turns out that in the old days, they would qualify 40 people per day. Out of that 40 they would hold a random drawing to get the 10 for the show. I guess I never made it through the random drawing. Such is my luck!

When I first started to call in I would use my friend's names and SS numbers to practice. The first time I qualified, I qualified an 83 year old man with alzeimers. I hung up in a panic, because I could just see them schlepping poor, old, Wimpy out on the stage to answer those questions.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

A great day

I spent yesterday with my mom - we had a nice visit with a great meal. I enjoyed it.

I picked up the food from my uncle's and aunt's house. I gave it out to 5 people including myself. I am going to get more tomorrow. Kudo's to them for their generosity - It is not the first time they have given me food to distribute.

Things I Say to Customers on a Regular Basis

1. "If that is the worst thing to happen to you/me today then life is good " I usually say this when some small faux pas has taken place in the transaction. People usually smile and agree with me.

2. "The less we see of you the better off you are" People usually have to think about that one. I work in a pharmacy so if we don't see you then you must be doing fine.

3. "Well if you are bad, you generally know it right off the bat." That's what I say to people who say, "I don't know," when I ask them how they are doing today.

4. "Don't forget the ice." People keep buying ice and then they walk right past the ice machine and don't pick it up on their way out the door.

5. "Don't forget the chocolate, it will make peace in the household." I tell this to men/women who are purchasing feminine hygiene products. Many times it gets a laugh and a candy bar thrown up on the counter. (although it did backfire on me one time when a woman had severe PMS - but she started laughing when she got to the door and said, "OH, I GET IT!"

6. "We don't have married blunts" This is my reply to customers who come in and ask for a single - if they are already stoned they don't get it OR they find it hilarious.

7. "I'll help the next person in line - except for that guy over there" Reserved for that tension filled moment when a line of people see me opening up and they are wondering who should go first. The comment is always aimed at a regular customer whom I have deep affection for.

8. "I was having a good day until I saw you!" Another comment for regular customers. For some reason the meaner I am to them the more they like it.

9. "Let me call the manager for you so you can get the service you deserve." I do this to customers who are being true, blue ASSHOLES! Then they have to wait for the manager to come up front and rering them (I clear the transaction) and the manager can see what a DILDO I am having to deal with in case they actually have the nerve to call and complain.

10. "Have a nice evening" Standard close with a smile.

Is this rude?

I was with a person who shall remain nameless. She had a phonecall from a mutual aquaintance and she put them on speakerphone. She did not tell them I was there. This is not what she ususally does when someone calls. I kept thinking she was going to tell them I was there but she never did. It made me uncomfortable. Maybe I am just behind the times and this is common for people to do nowadays. (I don't have a phone)

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

DiD You Know Chickens Only Have One Hole?

I am refering to the hole that the egg comes out of. It is the same hole that chickens poop and pee from. It all comes from the same place. I was around 25 years old when I learned it and this is how I found it out.

I was at my sister-in-law, Jeannie's, house. She had a chicken coop out back. I decided that I wanted to fry up a good fresh egg. I went out to the chicken coop and there was an egg in the middle of a nest just like it was supposed to be. To my surprise it was covered in goop, by the word "goop", I mean excrement. I had never seen an actual egg in it's natural state and I was quite surprised by this.

I took the egg to the house where Bobby told me that is how all eggs come out, even so I was quite disgusted by it. He said just to wash it off and fry it. Skeptically I did as he said. I washed the egg and then I proceeded to fry it. I then took it to the table and sat downwhere I immediately decided that I couldn't eat such a thing. I gave it to Bobby.

I went over to the fridge and took out an egg which had come from the store. I fried it up and I ate it and I was as happy as a clam!

I know it shouldn't have made a difference to me, but it did.

My Favorite Traffic Stop

I've been stopped many times in my life, usually for not having a tag on my car. This particular time I was driving some junker and I didn't have money for insurance and I had taken the tag off of another vehicle of mine that no longer ran. However I had not done the necessary paperwork to make that particular move legal.

I was driving on a back road so I wouldn't have to worry about the police pulling me over when I ran into some construction so I had to turn around. I went back to the main road and there was a state trooper doing a traffic stop on another vehicle so I went past him thinking he would be busy. Unfortunately he was finished with the other car and he pulled out right behind me. I had gone about 1/2 a mile when he flashed his lights for me to pull over.

I couldn't pull over because I was at the base of a very steep mountain so I turned on my flashers and got on the outside edge of the highway and drove to the top of the mountain slowly and then I stopped. The policeman came up and he said, "OK, I give up. Why did you make me follow you to the top of the mountain?"

My reply was, "I would have been facing uphill and the car would quit running and I couldn't get it started again. I can kick start it from here, so this is where I stopped."

He said, "Okaay. Now, license - insurance and registration."

I said, " I don't have any of it."

The trooper said,"Okaay. So what are we going to do now?"

I told him that I knew my license number so he could look it up. He said, "That's helpful."

"I don't have insurance," I told him," but I am saving my money and when I get paid next Wednesday I am going to buy insurance" (that was the truth by the way). "I also can show you paperwork where the car was sold to me, but the title isn't clear yet."

"Get the paperwork then," he said. Then he went back to his cruiser and proceeded to check on what I had told him. When he was finished he came up and said, "You know, by all rights I can have you towed in."

I said, "I know, but I was hoping you wouldn't do that. I can't work without a car and then I can't get insurance if I am not working. Not to mention that I can't pay the tow bill so I'll never get the car back."

He smiled. He said he was going to reward my honesty. He proceeded to write me 3 tickets for no insurance, no registration and no license, but he did NOT have me towed in.

Unfortunately the fines took all the money I had saved for insurance. So I still didn't get insurance which made the sticker expire. Then I had to get some red paint (the color of the current years sticker) and paint over my old sticker. It looked pretty good actually. Although it wouldn't have passed a road check it did get me down the highway. (I did alot of night driving until I could make myself legal)