Monday, May 21, 2012

I see myself 6 years ago

A new woman has moved into the building. She has sleep apnea. She can't even hold a conversation without falling asleep while you are talking to her. I can't help but watch her. Because I was in the same position 6 years ago. I used to fall asleep and wake up and finish the conversation and hope nobody noticed that I was asleep. They would just laugh and so would I. The woman who moved in (who shall remain nameless) doesn't even remember that she was talking about anything before she fall asleep. She falls asleep probably 3 times or more in an hour. I used to blame my need for sleep on the fact that I worked 3 jobs. She doesn't work and she still does it.

She is huge. She is so fat that she can't put her hands together in front of her stomach. That is how fat I was. I am still fat but there is a good foot or so between my stomach and my hands now. I remember when I was putting on all that weight. I was gaining between 10 and 20 lbs. a month when I had my period and the weight wasn't coming back off when it was over. It just kept adding up. I kept making excuses. I was so big that my coworkers had to walk in a circle around me instead of just side stepping like you normally would when somebody is in your way.

My family doctor wanted me to get chest x rays but I didn't have insurance and I couldn't do it. He was seeing me and allowing me to pay as I could. I know now that a chest x ray would have shown an enlarged heart (a sign of heart failure) but it didn't matter because of my insurance situation. So he knew what was wrong he just couldn't get me to handle the situation.

I finally got help when I staggered into the emergency room one day. I was dying on my feet, I just didn't know it. When the doctor told me I needed to stay I told him I couldn't because I couldn't pay them for what they had already done, much less a full blown stay in the hospital. He told me not to worry about that. He would make sure I got the care I needed.

It was still a struggle but I did get the proper care. I whine around now about not doing anything but I have a nice, relaxing, non stressful life now. Exactly the opposite of my first 44 years on the planet. I have made most, if not all of the changes I was supposed to make in my life to survive. I may cheat here and there but I do fine as long as nothing upsets my routine.

The woman who moved in hasn't made the necessary changes to her life. I watch slowly slide downhill while I think, "there but for the grace of God go I." People tell me I am too young to be so sick and I agree but it is what it is.


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