Thursday, February 23, 2012

Tra la la

.I lost the seven pounds last night that I gained last Friday. I feel so much better. It felt like a python wrapped around my chest and breathing was so difficult. When I walked it was like raising a cinderblock with each step.

I feel so much better this morning. Usually when that happens the weight stays on for around a month. I guess it wasn't heart related this time. Must mean the ole ticker is clicking at a good pace.


5 years ago I was in the hospital dying from heart failure. This diagnosis was a complete surprise to me. I was in the hospital for 5 days the first time. When I was released they sent me home with an oxygen machine and 3 tanks of oxygen. I didn't know how to use them. I was so weak that I didn't think I would make it to my house without passing out.

Once I got home I realized I was too weak to be alone. I made arrangements with my neighbors to continue caring for my animals and I drove to my mom's house. What followed was a week of hell. She was not home much because she had a lot to do that week. I do know that what time she was home she stood over top of me screaming at me to get up and do whatever it was that was upsetting her so bad. I don't remember the exact details. I do remember that she couldn't speak to me without catching her breath. I knew the stress of my diagnosis was too much for her to bear and when she feels that way she lashes out - fast and hard!

I know she was mad about my condition. She was also mad because she wanted me to go to the Social Security Office and take care of signing up for SS disability but they would not give me an appointment for another month. She was mad because I didn't have a 3 month safety cushion to pay my bills, even though I had been sick for 9 months before and had missed tons of work and not asked anybody for any help to pay for anything. ( I didn't go to the hospital because I didn't have insurance which of course worsened my condition). She was mad because I was sleeping almost 24 hours a day and mostly staying up at night. It did not matter to her that I had been working midnight shifts for over a year and I needed time to turn my body clock around as well as to recuperate. Basically she was mad because I was at her house and she didn't want to care for me. The reason I went there was because I had assurred her a 100 times when I was caring for my dad that I would care for her if something ever happenned to her. She told me each time she would do the same for me. Little did I know, she didn't mean a word of it.

She would stand over me shrieking if I was awake and she was home, then she would go upstair and call whomever and laugh and have a most excellent time on the phone. Things came to a head on the 5th. day and she threw a fit on me so bad that I left for my house. I went to Walmart because I needed groceries and I had to ride one of those mobile shoping carts around the store. People would look at me and quickly avert their eyes because I looked like a walking, dead person, or they would look at me with such pity that I would be forced to look away.

On the way home I decided to call her to assure her that I was OK and I was thinking maybe I was just so sick that I had blown things out of proportion and she had not done anything wrong. She threw a fit on me then for "shopping". It didn't matter to her that I had no food in my house and I had to buy some groceries...she was mad that I had spend my last $30 at the store. I knew once I got home though I wouldn't be going back out again because I was too weak.

The next day I started to have severe chest pains again so I went into the hospital again. I called to let her know. She was thrilled because she said I would get better care at the hospital I was in. (she didn't like the first hospital even though there was no doubt they saved my life). The next day I had a heart catherization. I asked her not to come because I knew I would need sleep. She showed up anyway when it was over beaming with motherly light. Absolutely thrilled to be by my side and show the nurses how much she cared for her daughter. I knew then I had misunderstood the entire week before.

They released me 2 days later. They didn't want me to be alone so I called my mom and I asked if I could come to her house. She told me "no". So I went home alone and I knew that I hadn't imagined the previous week, she was just showing motherly devotion at the hospital because she is always a different person in public than she is in private. It is her way.

Now my mom complains because she knows nothing about my heart condition. I only tell her the positive things and I only go around her when I am having a very good day. She tells me now that her doctor told her she had a mini heart attack but doesn't know when it happened. She believes that it was when I was at her house that time. It makes sense given the way she acted. She says that she can't fathom having to bury her daughter, that it will be a pain beyond belief if she has to do that.

I have donated my body to Marshall University Medical School, so she won't have to bury me. Also shere will be no financial burden to my family for funeral expenses. Also, she is not my emergency contact at the hospital. That way she won't receive that dreaded phone call when I finally do kick the bucket.

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