Thursday, March 31, 2011

Thanks to TJ Cook for the following Hillbilly Jokes

Like I said before, I don't know TJ but I better thank him for his stuff!

Outsiders Moving to West Virginia? Follow these instructions:

1. If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
2. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
3. Remember: "You all" is singular, "All ya'll" is plural, and "All y'alls" is plural possessive.
4. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from arouncheer, are ya?"
5. Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying, they can't understand you either.
6. "Mom'n'em" is not one person. When someone asks, "How's your Mom'n'em?" They are referring to the whole family.
7. Be advised that "He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.
8. If you hear a West Virginian exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," stay out of the way. These are likely the last words he'll ever say.
9. When you come up on a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere and the rest learned to drive while road hunting on the back roads. In both cases, this is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.
10. Do not be surprised to find that 10 year olds own their own shotguns and are proficient marksmen. Or that their Mammas taught them how to aim.
11. Shakespeare is a rod or a reel, not a writer.
12. Duct tape is not only part of every survival kit; it is the WHOLE kit.
13. Rasslin' is not fake. Don't dare whisper otherwise unless you want a kindhearted "hillbilly" to fix your busted head with duct tape.
14. Grapefruit is not a substitute for biscuits and gravy.
15. Richard Petty, Dale Earnhardt and Elvis are good ole boys. Jeff Gordon ain't.
16. Turkey hunters actually curse Noah for letting coyotes and skunks on the Ark.
17. If you hear a turkey gobble, get out of the way. Some "hillbillies" view that sound like payoff bells at a slot machine.
18. Don't be surprised if an obituary mentions that the deceased requested to be buried in his four-wheel drive truck because, "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
19. "You all come back now, ya hear," is a temporary statement. We love Yankees to visit, but damn Yankees are those who decide to stay.
20. If you decide to stay in West Virginia and bear children, don't think we will accept them as hillbillies". After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.
21. Try and hide that damn Yank' accent! You'll pick up a slight twang sooner or later anyway.
22. Don't ask, "You guys have (tv, cable,doctors, shoes, etc.) here!?" Hell yeah we have that here, this ain't Kentucky!
23. NEVER EVER talk about how great it is at home in Cali-forneea, or worse yet, up north. We don't care. You'll never convice us there's a better place than WEST BY-GOD VIRGINIA!


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