Sunday, March 15, 2009

They took my crutch

My doctor has decided to take my daytime oxygen away. Actually he hasn't decided to do it the medicare system has. I have to admit that I rarely use it anymore, but I do know that when I need it, I need it NOW! I can think of several times that I would have ended up in the hospital in the last 6 months if I didn't have my oxygen with me.

I have no choice but to find out now if I can do without it. I hope so.

2 and a 1/2 years ago I wouldn't have given a snowball's chance in hell for me to be alive right now. Although my doctors didn't quite put it in those words I knew they felt the same way. My mother was extremely vocal (and cruel) about my chances of living. (she knows no other way to express her love than to do it in a tough love kind of way). I have made a lot of changes in my life and I need to make a lot more of them. I have lost 11 pounds since the first of the year which is good. 100 more would be good progress but I will take them one pound at a time.

I have been on disability for the past 2 years. It has saved my life. All of my friends agree with me about that. I am in a program to work and hopefully go back to work full time. Everytime I do too much though it takes me about a month to recover. I applied for rehabilitation training but they refused because they said it is a waste of time with my heart condition.

I am just now recovering from my move at the first of the year. Monday they gave me a test to see if I could go without my oxygen. I did it. Unfortunately it has taken me the last 2 days to recover from the test. At least the painful part is over. Hopefully I will be weak for only a couple of weeks and then I will be able to pretend that I am normal again.

I like to pretend that I am normal. Just being able to do that is an improvement. The other day in the elevator while making small talk with a young man, he was kind enough to tell me I did not look 45 years old. A couple of years ago I looked like walking death and he would have averted his eyes when he saw me instead of being friendly like he was. So I am better. I just hope I am well enough to go without my oxygen.

I guess I should note that I will still have my machine at home. I will always be on oxygen at night they tell me. I just won't have portable tanks to take with me everywhere I go. I think this has gone on long enough. Bye

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